I absolutely CANNOT stand it when someone doesn’t understand a situation because they are ignorant/don’t understand and refuse to learn and/or listen, and then they blame everyone else because they don’t understand. It pisses me off on so many levels. I recently had an experience with an individual who had a problem with English. She was Filipino, and although her English really wasn’t all that bad, she kept saying “I no speak! I no speak! ALL WRONG!!” in regards to some paperwork we drew up for her. First of all, her paperwork was NOT wrong. We have drafted and re-drafted this paperwork like eight times, because we keep writing EXACTLY what she wants us to write and then claims it’s “wrong” because she doesn’t understand the legal jargon. She hired us to draft this for her, specifically BECAUSE she didn’t know what needed to be written. And when we keep trying to explain to her what it is that we’ve written, she keeps saying “I NO SPEAK! ALL WRONG! I KNOW!! ALL WRONG!!” HOW are you going to tell me that you don’t speak the language AND that you know it’s all wrong in the same sentence?! If you don’t speak it then how do you know?! She keeps getting frustrated because she doesn’t understand, and she refuses to listen if we try to explain. I HATE THAT. If you don’t understand, and we try to explain, and you refuse to listen, and then get UPSET that you don’t understand, then honestly? Go somewhere else. You’re pissing me off.
Another thing that really “grinds my gears” came out last night. It was nearing the end of Trick-or-Treating and since we had bought a metric butt-ton of the good, full-size candy bars, I figured I’d take some out on the street and offer it to people, so we could get rid of most of it. Some people were polite and grateful. They took one, maybe two (usually after asking if they could), and said thank you afterward. Then I made the mistake of offering to a certain group of people. These people. Oh dear Lord. The second I offered I knew I shouldn’t have. Half of the kids were way too old to be trick-or-treating (we have a law here that says over 12 is not allowed) and they weren’t even dressed up - although I did overhear one of them state that they “deserved” it and that they believed they were entitled to candy on Halloween. I believe that exact wording was something like “Man, F*CK these kids, I deserve this shit more than they do they cain’t even eat this shit. *I* get candy on Halloween, motherf*ckers!!!” [insert maniacal laugh] The second I called out, “Would any of you like some candy? We bought the full size ones and we’re trying to pass it all out.” I was positively ATTACKED by their crowd. The parents were egging them on, telling the kids to grab as much as they could, and the candy (which was in my apron, I was holding it out) was snatched up by the handful. I mean literally. Kids AND ADULTS were taking handfuls out of my apron, stuffing it into their bags, and taking more - all the while whooping and hollering like they won some prize, screaming “F*CK YEAH MOTHERF*CKERS!” and loudly exclaiming how THIS was the kind of candy they deserved. “THAT’S what I’m talking about, this is the REAL stuff, THIS is the kind of candy we ought to be GETTIN! You got any more?!” ….The amount of ignorance this crowd possessed was staggering. Not to mention the overgrown sense of entitlement and the pure disregard for the fact that this was a family holiday, for the children, who by the way were walking around this and heard every word. I instantly regretted being nice to them and offering them the candy we spent our own money to purchase.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tech Support Sucks.
Okay. The majority of the people I associate with are, at the very least, technologically literate. All of us have computers, most of us have multi-tasking smart phones, and some of us have been dubbed “that guy to talk to when you don’t know what’s going on with either of them.” Me, I tend to be the first-stop tech support when it comes to our networking, computers and/or phones. I don’t know if it’s because I’m Asian (funny, I get asked a lot of math problems too…) or if it’s because I seem to know what I’m doing (most of the time I’m just following common sense) or what. I know nothing about programming or any of that “hardcore computer stuff” but if your computer’s screwing up or if the network’s not connecting or responding, I can probably sort it out. The point I’m trying to get across here is that I believe I have a moderate grasp of how all this technology shit works, and most of the time I’m making educated guesses as to how to fix it, and most of the time it just happens to work out. That said, I absolutely hate having to call Tech Support. It’s not a pride thing, oh no. I am not claiming to be an expert in anything. I just feel like if you work for Tech Support you ought to be able to provide support for technological issues. 75% of Tech Support calls are patched through to India or some other country where the calls have been outsourced to cheaper workers. The remaining 25% seem to be directed to an Adult Learning Center which obviously is in need of funding.
Here’s an example of what i’m talking about:
Your laptop is connected wirelessly to your router and you are detecting the network, however it is not connecting to the internet. You look at the modem and notice that the data light is doing some weird blinky thing it was not doing before. You check your router and notice that the data-in light is also blinking funny. You therefore deduce that your router is working correctly, but that the modem itself is not connected to the internet for some reason. You have to call Tech Support. After bemoaning your fate and giving up the rest of your afternoon, you call and explain this to the tech support person (who, 8 times out of 10, does not speak English and/or doesn’t seem to understand how to properly use their hands-free headset). Now. Why can’t companies hire some semi-intelligent people for their Tech Support line? Instead of an intelligent person who may actually know a couple things about a computer, you will be connected to a drone reading a script off a computer screen, which was pulled from their database using some half-relevant search query of jumbled up words they may or may not have heard you say.
Me: Hi, I’m having trouble with my internet connection. My computer is connected to the router, which seems to be functioning fine, but my modem is showing that my connection is down. The uplink light is blinking and I although I can connect to the network, I can’t connect to the internet. It’s driving me nuts.
Tech Support: Okay, well I’m sorry you’re having trouble with that. Let me see if there’s anything I can do to help. [you hear loud clicks of a keyboard. You assume he’s searching relevant terms to find you a solution. What you don’t know is that this guy just searched for “blinking computer nuts” because English is his second language and he isn’t really sure what you just said.] Okay ma’am…Is your computer on?
Me: Yes. My computer is on. That’s how I knew that I could connect to my network.
Tech Support: Okay…and what kind of computer is it?
Me: …it’s a macbook pro. I’m running Mac OS X 10.6. Snow Leopard. [The second that comes out of your mouth, you realize it is a mistake. Never should have mentioned animals, now this guy’s going to be thoroughly confused.]
Tech Support: Snow….Leopard?
Me: Yes. it’s just a name for the operating system.
Tech Support: …is that Windows Vista or XP?
Me: Neither. It’s a Mac. Apple. It’s running Macintosh OS X 10.6. Look, it doesn’t really matter. It’s a problem with the uplink, not my laptop.
Tech Support: Oh! It’s a laptop? Hang on. [More furious typing.] If it’s a laptop, then…um…is your laptop on?
Me: Yes. It’s on. Look, this isn’t relevant. I need you to check the modem connection. The laptop is fine, the router is fine, I just need you to reset my connection so I can restart my modem and get my internet working again.
Tech Support: Right…Okay. Okay. Um….
At this point you realize you’ve confused the poor Tech Support guy. You’re asking him to break from the script, and he can’t handle it. What drives me nuts though is that at this point, you are getting extremely frustrated and this mindless script-reading drone doesn’t know what to do. You are transferred to the supervisor, where you start the whole process over, except this time the person you’re talking to has an attitude:
Supervisor: This is Bob, Shift Supervisor. What seems to be the problem?
Me: I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be difficult, but I just need my connection reset and then I need to restart my modem. I’m just having connection issues, that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with my laptop OR my router, I know it’s just the modem.
Supervisor: Well I’m sorry you’re having so many problems -
Me: I’m not having a lot of problems. I have one, and I know how it can be fixed, but you guys need to do it, not me.
Supervisor: Alright. Let me see what I can do…Can you do me a favor and check to make sure all cables are securely connected between the wall, the modem, and your computer?
Me: …yes, all the cables are securely connected. Except between my computer and the modem, I’m on a wireless network. But the router isn’t the problem, the router is receiving perfectly from the modem. The problem is between your office and my modem.
Supervisor: Oh, well there’s your problem. You’re using a router.
Me: No. That is NOT the problem. Forget that I have a router.
Supervisor: No, no. Ma’am, this is my job, I think I may know a little more about it than you do. Now I need you to unplug your router from the modem, leaving the cable on your modem.
Me: ….fine.
Supervisor: Now plug the free end into the modem, in the Line 1 slot.
Me: …you want me to plug the modem into ITSELF?
Supervisor: Um…Yeah. I think that’s what this says.
Me: I’m pretty sure that’s not what that says.
Supervisor: Ma’am with all due respect this is my job.
Me: Yes, you’re right. It is. Please do your job and help me. I just need you to reset my connection so I can restart my modem and then this can all be over.
At about this time you’re probably eyeing your curtains, wondering if the curtain rod would support your weight if you tied those sheers around your neck. You’re pissed off, you’re frustrated, and worst of all completely helpless. You are at the mercy of some idiot on the phone with a penchant for breathing deeply and heavily, and/or speaking with some indecipherable accent. This one person is all that’s keeping you from Facebook, Cracked, and FMyLife. You’re pretty sure you’d get better results from a toddler. At least a toddler can listen sometimes.
This is why I love XKCD. Because Mr. Munroe understands:
…oh don’t we all wish.
Here’s an example of what i’m talking about:
Your laptop is connected wirelessly to your router and you are detecting the network, however it is not connecting to the internet. You look at the modem and notice that the data light is doing some weird blinky thing it was not doing before. You check your router and notice that the data-in light is also blinking funny. You therefore deduce that your router is working correctly, but that the modem itself is not connected to the internet for some reason. You have to call Tech Support. After bemoaning your fate and giving up the rest of your afternoon, you call and explain this to the tech support person (who, 8 times out of 10, does not speak English and/or doesn’t seem to understand how to properly use their hands-free headset). Now. Why can’t companies hire some semi-intelligent people for their Tech Support line? Instead of an intelligent person who may actually know a couple things about a computer, you will be connected to a drone reading a script off a computer screen, which was pulled from their database using some half-relevant search query of jumbled up words they may or may not have heard you say.
Me: Hi, I’m having trouble with my internet connection. My computer is connected to the router, which seems to be functioning fine, but my modem is showing that my connection is down. The uplink light is blinking and I although I can connect to the network, I can’t connect to the internet. It’s driving me nuts.
Tech Support: Okay, well I’m sorry you’re having trouble with that. Let me see if there’s anything I can do to help. [you hear loud clicks of a keyboard. You assume he’s searching relevant terms to find you a solution. What you don’t know is that this guy just searched for “blinking computer nuts” because English is his second language and he isn’t really sure what you just said.] Okay ma’am…Is your computer on?
Me: Yes. My computer is on. That’s how I knew that I could connect to my network.
Tech Support: Okay…and what kind of computer is it?
Me: …it’s a macbook pro. I’m running Mac OS X 10.6. Snow Leopard. [The second that comes out of your mouth, you realize it is a mistake. Never should have mentioned animals, now this guy’s going to be thoroughly confused.]
Tech Support: Snow….Leopard?
Me: Yes. it’s just a name for the operating system.
Tech Support: …is that Windows Vista or XP?
Me: Neither. It’s a Mac. Apple. It’s running Macintosh OS X 10.6. Look, it doesn’t really matter. It’s a problem with the uplink, not my laptop.
Tech Support: Oh! It’s a laptop? Hang on. [More furious typing.] If it’s a laptop, then…um…is your laptop on?
Me: Yes. It’s on. Look, this isn’t relevant. I need you to check the modem connection. The laptop is fine, the router is fine, I just need you to reset my connection so I can restart my modem and get my internet working again.
Tech Support: Right…Okay. Okay. Um….
At this point you realize you’ve confused the poor Tech Support guy. You’re asking him to break from the script, and he can’t handle it. What drives me nuts though is that at this point, you are getting extremely frustrated and this mindless script-reading drone doesn’t know what to do. You are transferred to the supervisor, where you start the whole process over, except this time the person you’re talking to has an attitude:
Supervisor: This is Bob, Shift Supervisor. What seems to be the problem?
Me: I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be difficult, but I just need my connection reset and then I need to restart my modem. I’m just having connection issues, that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with my laptop OR my router, I know it’s just the modem.
Supervisor: Well I’m sorry you’re having so many problems -
Me: I’m not having a lot of problems. I have one, and I know how it can be fixed, but you guys need to do it, not me.
Supervisor: Alright. Let me see what I can do…Can you do me a favor and check to make sure all cables are securely connected between the wall, the modem, and your computer?
Me: …yes, all the cables are securely connected. Except between my computer and the modem, I’m on a wireless network. But the router isn’t the problem, the router is receiving perfectly from the modem. The problem is between your office and my modem.
Supervisor: Oh, well there’s your problem. You’re using a router.
Me: No. That is NOT the problem. Forget that I have a router.
Supervisor: No, no. Ma’am, this is my job, I think I may know a little more about it than you do. Now I need you to unplug your router from the modem, leaving the cable on your modem.
Me: ….fine.
Supervisor: Now plug the free end into the modem, in the Line 1 slot.
Me: …you want me to plug the modem into ITSELF?
Supervisor: Um…Yeah. I think that’s what this says.
Me: I’m pretty sure that’s not what that says.
Supervisor: Ma’am with all due respect this is my job.
Me: Yes, you’re right. It is. Please do your job and help me. I just need you to reset my connection so I can restart my modem and then this can all be over.
At about this time you’re probably eyeing your curtains, wondering if the curtain rod would support your weight if you tied those sheers around your neck. You’re pissed off, you’re frustrated, and worst of all completely helpless. You are at the mercy of some idiot on the phone with a penchant for breathing deeply and heavily, and/or speaking with some indecipherable accent. This one person is all that’s keeping you from Facebook, Cracked, and FMyLife. You’re pretty sure you’d get better results from a toddler. At least a toddler can listen sometimes.
This is why I love XKCD. Because Mr. Munroe understands:
…oh don’t we all wish.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
atomic tom
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAllFWSl998?wmode=transparent&autohide=1&egm=0&hd=1&iv_load_policy=3&modestbranding=1&rel=0&showinfo=0&showsearch=0&w=500&h=304]
These guys are awesome. Seriously, I’m impressed. Part of me is kind of put off simply because everyone’s going to view it as an iPhone stunt, but the fact of the matter is - they sound GOOD. and i’m impressed with their lead singer hitting all those high notes in tune while sitting on a subway.
…i may have to give atomic tom a listen and see if i like them.
These guys are awesome. Seriously, I’m impressed. Part of me is kind of put off simply because everyone’s going to view it as an iPhone stunt, but the fact of the matter is - they sound GOOD. and i’m impressed with their lead singer hitting all those high notes in tune while sitting on a subway.
…i may have to give atomic tom a listen and see if i like them.
(Source: http://www.youtube.com/)
Friday, October 15, 2010
Really? Julius Caesar. Shakespeare. In the play this creeper tells JC to “beware the ides of march” and caesar’s all like “pfffft whatever man” and creeper goes “no really, watch your shit” and caesar’s all “dude, I’m Julius fucking Caesar.” so then JC gets his ass kicked and dies because his best buddy betrays him and stabs him in the back, literally. And as he’s dying he cries, “et tu bruté?” which roughly translates to “dude! Really?!”
“so uh…when’s the ides of march?”
Oh. March 15th.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
My explanation of "the ides of march"
Really? Julius Caesar. Shakespeare. In the play this creeper tells JC to “beware the ides of march” and caesar’s all like “pfffft whatever man” and creeper goes “no really, watch your shit” and caesar’s all “dude, I’m Julius fucking Caesar.” so then JC gets his ass kicked and dies because his best buddy betrays him and stabs him in the back, literally. And as he’s dying he cries, “et tu bruté?” which roughly translates to “dude! Really?!”
“so uh…when’s the ides of march?”
Oh. March 15th.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Filter=onplz
One of my biggest personality flaws is my apparent lack of any sort of filter between my brain and my mouth. This is regarded as generally bad, since I also have a somewhat offensive sense of humor and I also tend to just blurt out the first thing to come to mind without thinking.
Some would argue that this is part of what makes me amusing. I’m sure it is. I’m POSITIVE it is. However, it is not always the Smart Thing To Do.
Example:
I work in a law firm. Every client has to sign a retainer agreement when they hire us for a matter that explicitly states what they’re hiring us to do. My boss’s boss was getting on me for not writing the matter retained on the client’s receipts. (Totally valid, I did mess that up, I’ll admit that) She IMs me, saying “How will the client know what they’ve retained for?” Before I could stop myself, I responded with a slightly (though completely unintended) snarky “Well it’s usually on their retainer agreement.”
The second it was out of my mouth, I realized what I’d said and to whom, and cringed. Oops. I’m a Smartass. I’m sorry :(
Some would argue that this is part of what makes me amusing. I’m sure it is. I’m POSITIVE it is. However, it is not always the Smart Thing To Do.
Example:
I work in a law firm. Every client has to sign a retainer agreement when they hire us for a matter that explicitly states what they’re hiring us to do. My boss’s boss was getting on me for not writing the matter retained on the client’s receipts. (Totally valid, I did mess that up, I’ll admit that) She IMs me, saying “How will the client know what they’ve retained for?” Before I could stop myself, I responded with a slightly (though completely unintended) snarky “Well it’s usually on their retainer agreement.”
The second it was out of my mouth, I realized what I’d said and to whom, and cringed. Oops. I’m a Smartass. I’m sorry :(
momma said there'd be days like this...
8:30 AM - Discover that I didn’t even hear my first round of alarms to wake up. Realize quickly that I have to leave the house in ten minutes, I smell, and I am starving. I also discover that we will be down two staff at work, which always makes the day hectic. Great.
8:42 AM - I am mildly amazed that not only did I leave the house relatively on time, but I am also dressed appropriately for the weather. Sing along to “Machine Gun” by Sara Bareilles in the car in order to try to pump myself up for work. Not looking forward to getting reamed out for a complete misunderstanding from last night.
8:43 AM - I am nearly killed by a school bus that runs a stop sign. Sing something like “I’m well versed in how I might be cursed, I - SHIT!! AAAUGH!” Fucking wonderful. How apropos. Have a sinking feeling that this day may turn out to be a bust.
8:54 AM - Ooh, prime parking at the office. Word. Pretend to be texting in the elevator so as to avoid eye contact with the smelly guy in the elevator. Worry that maybe I smell that bad too. I certainly hope not.
9:02 AM - First client walks in just as I receive the first phone call of the day. His paperwork is nowhere to be found, I end up calling one of the attorneys and asking where it was. It was not ready yet, but thankfully the client is understanding. Person on the phone is inquiring about his case but just retained yesterday. He is furious we JUST opened his matter and began working on it. Apparently we are not fast enough for this man. Commence banging head on desk.
9:15 AM - First major problem client of the day. Screams at me in regards to a check her bank supposedly sent us and mailed to us. We haven’t received it.
9:38 AM - Receive nasty-gram email from boss in regards to misunderstanding last night. Basically get yelled at for doing something she thinks I did. Sigh.
11:15 AM - First kind phone call I’ve received all day. Thank you Judge C.
11:20 AM - Problem client calls back. This time she screams at me AND our sister office about her check. She rants for a few minutes as I do everything I can to be nice and sweet and helpful (which only pisses her off more), only for her to discover it was an error on HER part that prevented us from receiving said check (she put in the wrong address) and ends the conversation with “well I was still treated rudely!” …so was I. who shall i complain to?
11:40 AM - Receive video text from my mother with clips of the Hogwarts Choir singing at the Harry Potter amusement park in Orlando, along with pictures of the castle. So jealous.
12:10 PM - Still haven’t gone to lunch. Phones are ringing off the hook. don’t even know what I want to eat.
…maybe my afternoon will be better.
8:42 AM - I am mildly amazed that not only did I leave the house relatively on time, but I am also dressed appropriately for the weather. Sing along to “Machine Gun” by Sara Bareilles in the car in order to try to pump myself up for work. Not looking forward to getting reamed out for a complete misunderstanding from last night.
8:43 AM - I am nearly killed by a school bus that runs a stop sign. Sing something like “I’m well versed in how I might be cursed, I - SHIT!! AAAUGH!” Fucking wonderful. How apropos. Have a sinking feeling that this day may turn out to be a bust.
8:54 AM - Ooh, prime parking at the office. Word. Pretend to be texting in the elevator so as to avoid eye contact with the smelly guy in the elevator. Worry that maybe I smell that bad too. I certainly hope not.
9:02 AM - First client walks in just as I receive the first phone call of the day. His paperwork is nowhere to be found, I end up calling one of the attorneys and asking where it was. It was not ready yet, but thankfully the client is understanding. Person on the phone is inquiring about his case but just retained yesterday. He is furious we JUST opened his matter and began working on it. Apparently we are not fast enough for this man. Commence banging head on desk.
9:15 AM - First major problem client of the day. Screams at me in regards to a check her bank supposedly sent us and mailed to us. We haven’t received it.
9:38 AM - Receive nasty-gram email from boss in regards to misunderstanding last night. Basically get yelled at for doing something she thinks I did. Sigh.
11:15 AM - First kind phone call I’ve received all day. Thank you Judge C.
11:20 AM - Problem client calls back. This time she screams at me AND our sister office about her check. She rants for a few minutes as I do everything I can to be nice and sweet and helpful (which only pisses her off more), only for her to discover it was an error on HER part that prevented us from receiving said check (she put in the wrong address) and ends the conversation with “well I was still treated rudely!” …so was I. who shall i complain to?
11:40 AM - Receive video text from my mother with clips of the Hogwarts Choir singing at the Harry Potter amusement park in Orlando, along with pictures of the castle. So jealous.
12:10 PM - Still haven’t gone to lunch. Phones are ringing off the hook. don’t even know what I want to eat.
…maybe my afternoon will be better.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
truth.
A lie gets halfway across the world before the truth even has a chance to get its pants on.
Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill
Geeks, rejoice :)
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
God. Just those words make me squeal a little inside and want to curl up with that book and a cup of tea while simultaneously googling ways to create an authentic Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.
I bring it up because on October 12th, 1979, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was released in London, making today the 31st anniversary of its release.
I remember first discovering the book, thanks to my darling Gay Boyfriend, who has yet to steer me wrong in the ways of books and music. That summer years ago during which I discovered the friendly words “Don’t Panic” (and became increasingly suspicious of mice) I learned many things, but two stuck out in my mind:
1. My vocabulary, expansive as it may be, had yet to adequately explore the English language in the British sense.
2. I fancied myself witty. I was not. I became painfully aware that I was not living up to my full potential, and that this was a problem that needed to be rectified as soon as possible.
I also learned that I am NOT the only one who thinks up wildly outrageous scenarios and puts them on paper, and that one of the most amusing ways to describe anything is to tell someone precisely what it is NOT.
I can safely say that discovering and reading H2G2 was an Event in my life, and I urge you all to share and enjoy :)
God. Just those words make me squeal a little inside and want to curl up with that book and a cup of tea while simultaneously googling ways to create an authentic Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.
I bring it up because on October 12th, 1979, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was released in London, making today the 31st anniversary of its release.
I remember first discovering the book, thanks to my darling Gay Boyfriend, who has yet to steer me wrong in the ways of books and music. That summer years ago during which I discovered the friendly words “Don’t Panic” (and became increasingly suspicious of mice) I learned many things, but two stuck out in my mind:
1. My vocabulary, expansive as it may be, had yet to adequately explore the English language in the British sense.
2. I fancied myself witty. I was not. I became painfully aware that I was not living up to my full potential, and that this was a problem that needed to be rectified as soon as possible.
I also learned that I am NOT the only one who thinks up wildly outrageous scenarios and puts them on paper, and that one of the most amusing ways to describe anything is to tell someone precisely what it is NOT.
I can safely say that discovering and reading H2G2 was an Event in my life, and I urge you all to share and enjoy :)
Friday, May 28, 2010
This quote from Yahoo news hurts my soul.
Bavelier said games could be developed that would harness the positive effects of the first-person shooter games without the violence.
“As you know, most of us females just hate those action video games,” she said. “You don’t have to use shooting. You can use, for example, a princess which has a magic wand and whenever she touches something, it turns into a butterfly and sparkles.”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100528/ap_on_en_ot/us_games_for_learning
“As you know, most of us females just hate those action video games,” she said. “You don’t have to use shooting. You can use, for example, a princess which has a magic wand and whenever she touches something, it turns into a butterfly and sparkles.”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100528/ap_on_en_ot/us_games_for_learning
Thursday, May 27, 2010
I take things Too Far.
******************* DIVA’S EMAIL *******************
i saw the presidential helicopters yesterday. we were playing at constitution and 15th. it’s pretty cool bc they come in super low (we could read the letters on the side). they all come in together, then one peals off to the side, another keeps going forward, and then the president lands. haha i got a really good hit off when they flew overhead, so i thought ‘i hope someone was looking out the window and was impressed.’
******************* MY RESPONSE *******************
It went just like this:
[SCENE: GMU alumni softball team is playing in DC. A helicopter is seen flying overhead, towards the game. The camera zooms in on the presidential seal and peels off as the helicopter peels away]
Man #1: Come on! Hit it out of the park!
[CAMERA ANGLE 1: closeup on Diva’s eyes. A drop of sweat rolls down her nose. She squints in anticipation.]
[CAMERA ANGLE 2: the pitch comes. We see it in slow motion, heading towards the plate. We hear the THWACK of the bat and the ball goes soaring.]
[CAMERA ANGLE 3: wide lens. Everyone is cheering.]
[cut to HELICOPTER INTERIOR]
Man in Suit: Holy crap, Jenkins, check this out. You shoulda seen the SWING on this girl!
Jenkins: [turns to look, sees softball bounce off helicopter window] Jeeminy! You’re right about that! Check that out!!
Man in Suit: We need to get her in here. We need her on our company softball team.
Jenkins: But sir, we work for the Secret Service. We can’t bring civilians on our team! It would probably be a bad idea.
President Obama: [interrupting] Jenkins, quit being such a pansy. I saw that ball as clearly as I see you. We need her. And if we can’t have a civilian on the team, then we’ll just have to get her a job in the White House, won’t we?
Man in Suit: [nods emphatically]
[The camera closes in on President Obama’s thoughtful face. He can be seen making a note on the pad of paper in his lap. Camera pans out, through the window to the exterior of the helicopter, and pans out further to reveal that it is evening. The helicopter is slowly lowering onto the helipad at the White House. The sun can be seen setting to its left. President Obama emerges, followed by his staff.]
Jenkins: Sir, we should –
Obama: [cutting him off with a terse wave of the hand] Hold that thought, Jenkins, I have more pressing matters at hand.
[cut to OVAL OFFICE INTERIOR]
President Obama: [into phone] I don’t care if you don’t know who she is. She has a HELL of a swing, we need her on our White House Softball Team, and I want YOU to make it happen!!
[cut to JOE BIDEN’S OFFICE]
Vice President Biden: Yes, Sir. Right away, Sir. [hangs up phone.] Well, then. [thoughtfully ponders his task for a beat] Go get her. Bring her here. Give her a job. We need to have her.
Secret Service Agents: YES SIR.
[cut to DIVA’S APARTMENT. It is dark. Diva can be seen making a cup of tea, in her pajamas. It is peaceful. It is quiet. Suddenly bright lights are seen through the balcony doors, and the loud THUMPTHUMPTHUMP of helicopter blades can be heard. Diva starts, and knocks over her cup of tea. CAMERA ANGLE 1 shows a closeup of the mug, dripping tea over the edge of the counter, while in the background we see Diva slowly moving towards the balcony doors, cautiously and curiously. CAMERA ANGLE 2 shows a view from Diva’s apartment door, with a rear view of Diva creeping up to the balcony doors. A loud CRASH is heard, and Diva jumps back as two SWAT team members crash through her balcony doors. Diva screams. They grab her, wrangle her into a harness, and fly off, dangling the SWAT team members and Mel from harnesses, disappearing into the night. CAMERA ANGLE 1 shows the dripping mug once again, the background showing complete wreck and disarray. Tea slowly drips from the lip of the overturned mug.]
[END SCENE]
i saw the presidential helicopters yesterday. we were playing at constitution and 15th. it’s pretty cool bc they come in super low (we could read the letters on the side). they all come in together, then one peals off to the side, another keeps going forward, and then the president lands. haha i got a really good hit off when they flew overhead, so i thought ‘i hope someone was looking out the window and was impressed.’
******************* MY RESPONSE *******************
It went just like this:
[SCENE: GMU alumni softball team is playing in DC. A helicopter is seen flying overhead, towards the game. The camera zooms in on the presidential seal and peels off as the helicopter peels away]
Man #1: Come on! Hit it out of the park!
[CAMERA ANGLE 1: closeup on Diva’s eyes. A drop of sweat rolls down her nose. She squints in anticipation.]
[CAMERA ANGLE 2: the pitch comes. We see it in slow motion, heading towards the plate. We hear the THWACK of the bat and the ball goes soaring.]
[CAMERA ANGLE 3: wide lens. Everyone is cheering.]
[cut to HELICOPTER INTERIOR]
Man in Suit: Holy crap, Jenkins, check this out. You shoulda seen the SWING on this girl!
Jenkins: [turns to look, sees softball bounce off helicopter window] Jeeminy! You’re right about that! Check that out!!
Man in Suit: We need to get her in here. We need her on our company softball team.
Jenkins: But sir, we work for the Secret Service. We can’t bring civilians on our team! It would probably be a bad idea.
President Obama: [interrupting] Jenkins, quit being such a pansy. I saw that ball as clearly as I see you. We need her. And if we can’t have a civilian on the team, then we’ll just have to get her a job in the White House, won’t we?
Man in Suit: [nods emphatically]
[The camera closes in on President Obama’s thoughtful face. He can be seen making a note on the pad of paper in his lap. Camera pans out, through the window to the exterior of the helicopter, and pans out further to reveal that it is evening. The helicopter is slowly lowering onto the helipad at the White House. The sun can be seen setting to its left. President Obama emerges, followed by his staff.]
Jenkins: Sir, we should –
Obama: [cutting him off with a terse wave of the hand] Hold that thought, Jenkins, I have more pressing matters at hand.
[cut to OVAL OFFICE INTERIOR]
President Obama: [into phone] I don’t care if you don’t know who she is. She has a HELL of a swing, we need her on our White House Softball Team, and I want YOU to make it happen!!
[cut to JOE BIDEN’S OFFICE]
Vice President Biden: Yes, Sir. Right away, Sir. [hangs up phone.] Well, then. [thoughtfully ponders his task for a beat] Go get her. Bring her here. Give her a job. We need to have her.
Secret Service Agents: YES SIR.
[cut to DIVA’S APARTMENT. It is dark. Diva can be seen making a cup of tea, in her pajamas. It is peaceful. It is quiet. Suddenly bright lights are seen through the balcony doors, and the loud THUMPTHUMPTHUMP of helicopter blades can be heard. Diva starts, and knocks over her cup of tea. CAMERA ANGLE 1 shows a closeup of the mug, dripping tea over the edge of the counter, while in the background we see Diva slowly moving towards the balcony doors, cautiously and curiously. CAMERA ANGLE 2 shows a view from Diva’s apartment door, with a rear view of Diva creeping up to the balcony doors. A loud CRASH is heard, and Diva jumps back as two SWAT team members crash through her balcony doors. Diva screams. They grab her, wrangle her into a harness, and fly off, dangling the SWAT team members and Mel from harnesses, disappearing into the night. CAMERA ANGLE 1 shows the dripping mug once again, the background showing complete wreck and disarray. Tea slowly drips from the lip of the overturned mug.]
[END SCENE]
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
our roommate-finding fiasco
While my roommate Marlboro was on deployment, Beard and I decided to take in a third renter for the fourth bedroom. We posted ads on roomster.com and craigslist and discovered that people looking for a room just do not pay attention. After getting increasingly frustrated with every email we received, I decided to post a more…precise…ad:
We have a room for rent in our house.
I’ve gotten a ton of strange/weird/annoying/creepy replies, so please read the following before emailing me.
1. We have a ROOM for rent in our house. No, it’s not a detached eight-bedroom guest house with free XM radio, HD TV and cable, leather everything, and a maid. It’s a room. That means you’ll be sharing the rest of the house with us. The room can be furnished or unfurnished, depending on whether you need furniture or not. It’s a good-sized room, with hardwood floors, two closets, and a shared hallway bathroom. No, I do not know the dimensions of the room, nor where the wood for the floors was harvested. (Who ASKS that?!) I can tell you that it’s big enough to hold a queen-sized sleigh bed and a 42” flat screen TV with plenty of room to walk around, so that should give you a decent clue as to how big it is. You’ll be sharing the hallway bathroom with 2 clean 21/22-year-old military guys, though one will be on deployment til July or so.
2. We have a room for rent in our HOUSE. It is a single family home, as in a stand-alone house with a yard. It is not a townhouse, apartment, igloo, condo, beach house, boathouse, lean-to, castle, loft, or cabin. We live on a cul-de-sac in a nice family neighborhood off of Holland Road and South Plaza Trail (it’s Windsor Woods). It’s a two-story, 4-bedroom house with hardwood floors throughout, all new appliances, den, dining room, kitchen, piano/living room, and ManCave. Yes, we have a ManCave. It’s where we smoke and play games that involve ping pong balls and liquids that might spill. It’s also where our beverage fridge resides. We also have a large fenced-in yard with a deck and above-ground pool. We recently bought the house in October and have done a TON of renovations to it, so you’ll notice a bit of trim missing there, unfinished drywall there, some paint isn’t up yet, little things like that, but it’s not like it’s actively in progress, so it’s not dusty and gross. We have HD/DVR in the den, high speed wifi, an xbox360 and wii, space for parking, and we’re close to EVERYTHING. (it’s a maximum of 20 minutes to nearly every naval base in the area)
3. We have a room for RENT in our house. Rent is $500/month plus a share of utilities. No, you cannot barter to stay with us for free by offering to “do the yard work every once in a while.” We do not accept sexual favors, fraudulent child support money, or bits of string. Renting a room means that you have to pay your share of rent and utilities each month, on time. We will ask for proof of monthly income so that we can be sure that you have the means to pay your share of the rent and utilities each month. No, a letter from your mom saying that she’s “pretty sure that you really do make $7.50/hour working full time at 7-11” is not going to cut it. If you are self-employed we will ask for either your tax returns or some form of bookkeeping. Acceptable documentation includes an LES, paycheck stubs, or a W-2.
4. WE have a room for rent in our house. This means there are multiple people living there. WE are a 26-year-old professional female, a 24-year-old male student recently out of the Navy, a 22-year-old male still in the Navy who is currently deployed (he’ll be back in july-ish), and a 23-year-old who is in the Navy and actually home. If you are not cool with living with multiple people, this house is not for you. If you haven’t gathered this from our ages, this is a very bachelor-pad sort of house, and that includes the lifestyle. This is not a suitable living situation for children of any age. No, it’s not okay if your three children from your two previous relationships live with us only on the weekends. We do drink occasionally, we do have outside smokers, and if you don’t approve of crude or offensive language, this is not the house for you.
5. I have received numerous responses from people regarding this room and for their (and your) benefit, I will now answer the questions I have received:
- Our favorite TV shows include Family Guy, South Park, House, Lost, and Sports Center
- No, it’s not okay if you “occasionally” sell “herbal supplements” out of our home.
- I will not get into our religious preferences here, but suffice it to say, no, honey, I don’t think this house would be a good fit for an extremely devout college student who wants to be a nun. I’m sorry, I hope I’m forgiven.
- Currently, our favorite quotes are: “Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.” “Pants at a time like this!!” / “That’s Scott. He’s a dick.” / “Would you like some ice for that burn?” When you meet us you can figure out which one belongs to who.
- No, we don’t want to drop acid with you. But thanks for asking…?
- Yes, I think we’d have a problem with your “naked day” every week, especially if you wandered out of your room and really do look like your picture. Sorry, hun. The truth hurts.
- No, we don’t understand Curling either. But it’s hilarious to watch.
- Eight.
- We prefer a guy because honestly, the chick we live with is awesome, but she doesn’t play nice with other girls because they always want to fight her for some reason (and vice versa). We have no idea why. We’re not asking any questions.
If you read all of this, good for you. If you’re not offended or scared off, even better. If you’re not offended or scared off AND you’re looking for a place to live, then email me immediately, because we’d like to hear from you.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
my dad calls this "free entertainment"
cristina (12:26:39 PM): so
cristina (12:26:46 PM): i had a guy call in
cristina (12:27:04 PM): and he goes, "i was arrested for [insert obvious crime here]"
cristina (12:27:14 PM): i want to say it was something like stealing or something like that
cristina (12:27:19 PM): something that is OBVIOUSLY against the law
cristina (12:27:56 PM): and so i go through my spiel, in which city are you being charged, when's your hearing, blah blah
cristina (12:28:02 PM): and he goes, "i ain't goin to court."
cristina (12:28:05 PM): "...excuse me?"
cristina (12:28:16 PM): "no one never told me that that was against the law."
cristina (12:28:23 PM): "well it is."
ladivina117 (12:28:24 PM): ...
ladivina117 (12:28:35 PM): ignorance of the law is no excuse.
cristina (12:28:49 PM): "well i ain't goin because no one told me and i cain't be arrested if i wann't properly formed of the law."
ladivina117 (12:28:55 PM): ...
cristina (12:28:59 PM): (i'm doing my best to capture this accent)
ladivina117 (12:29:03 PM): he sounds like a Winner At Life
ladivina117 (12:29:07 PM): a WAL, if you will
ladivina117 (12:29:24 PM): oh, you are. i can hear it in my head and it's grating on my soul. but continue
cristina (12:29:27 PM): "well sir, whether you were properly INformed of the law is beside the point, it is public record and pretty much common knowledge that that is illegal"
cristina (12:29:44 PM): "well i wann't ain't never formed."
cristina (12:29:51 PM): (...what?! i'm glad i knew what he meant)
cristina (12:30:25 PM): "well there are numerous places you can look, the police station has summaries of local laws, the libraries do as well, and you can get a copy of the constitution pretty much anywhere."
cristina (12:30:40 PM): "well no one never sat me down and taught it to me, so it ain't my fault."
cristina (12:31:36 PM): "sir, as a citizen of this country you agree to abide by the laws and rules of this society. Regardless of whether or not someone spelled it out for you, it is your responsibility and yours alone to make sure that you are well versed in local and federal rules and regulations so that you don't commit a crime."
cristina (12:31:40 PM): "huh?"
cristina (12:32:01 PM): "it's your responsibility to find out what the laws are and to abide by them."
cristina (12:32:20 PM): "well i ain't biding nothin', i wann't told this was against the law so i ain't goin."
cristina (12:32:56 PM): "so are you seeking representation?"
cristina (12:33:06 PM): "what does that mean?"
cristina (12:37:15 PM): "well you called an attorney's office, so are you looking for an attorney to help you?"
cristina (12:37:17 PM): "well yeah."
cristina (12:37:22 PM): "with what, exactly?"
cristina (12:37:39 PM): "i need your attorney to tell them i wann't never formed so i ain't goin to court."
cristina (12:37:42 PM): now.
cristina (12:37:42 PM): to me
cristina (12:37:45 PM): that sentence says
cristina (12:37:52 PM): "i do not exist so i'm not going to court."
ladivina117 (12:38:11 PM): hahahaha
ladivina117 (12:38:11 PM): "no sir, you were conceived, and as you are standing in front of me, you were, in fact, formed."
cristina (12:38:21 PM): but in his language that means, "I was never properly informed of said law and politely exercise my right to dispute said charges."
cristina (12:38:56 PM): in the end i told him that i'm sorry, we don't handle cases in which the client has never been "formed"
cristina (12:39:16 PM): he accepted this as an answer and hung up
ladivina117 (12:39:23 PM): hahaha
ladivina117 (12:39:44 PM): i love that
cristina (12:26:46 PM): i had a guy call in
cristina (12:27:04 PM): and he goes, "i was arrested for [insert obvious crime here]"
cristina (12:27:14 PM): i want to say it was something like stealing or something like that
cristina (12:27:19 PM): something that is OBVIOUSLY against the law
cristina (12:27:56 PM): and so i go through my spiel, in which city are you being charged, when's your hearing, blah blah
cristina (12:28:02 PM): and he goes, "i ain't goin to court."
cristina (12:28:05 PM): "...excuse me?"
cristina (12:28:16 PM): "no one never told me that that was against the law."
cristina (12:28:23 PM): "well it is."
ladivina117 (12:28:24 PM): ...
ladivina117 (12:28:35 PM): ignorance of the law is no excuse.
cristina (12:28:49 PM): "well i ain't goin because no one told me and i cain't be arrested if i wann't properly formed of the law."
ladivina117 (12:28:55 PM): ...
cristina (12:28:59 PM): (i'm doing my best to capture this accent)
ladivina117 (12:29:03 PM): he sounds like a Winner At Life
ladivina117 (12:29:07 PM): a WAL, if you will
ladivina117 (12:29:24 PM): oh, you are. i can hear it in my head and it's grating on my soul. but continue
cristina (12:29:27 PM): "well sir, whether you were properly INformed of the law is beside the point, it is public record and pretty much common knowledge that that is illegal"
cristina (12:29:44 PM): "well i wann't ain't never formed."
cristina (12:29:51 PM): (...what?! i'm glad i knew what he meant)
cristina (12:30:25 PM): "well there are numerous places you can look, the police station has summaries of local laws, the libraries do as well, and you can get a copy of the constitution pretty much anywhere."
cristina (12:30:40 PM): "well no one never sat me down and taught it to me, so it ain't my fault."
cristina (12:31:36 PM): "sir, as a citizen of this country you agree to abide by the laws and rules of this society. Regardless of whether or not someone spelled it out for you, it is your responsibility and yours alone to make sure that you are well versed in local and federal rules and regulations so that you don't commit a crime."
cristina (12:31:40 PM): "huh?"
cristina (12:32:01 PM): "it's your responsibility to find out what the laws are and to abide by them."
cristina (12:32:20 PM): "well i ain't biding nothin', i wann't told this was against the law so i ain't goin."
cristina (12:32:56 PM): "so are you seeking representation?"
cristina (12:33:06 PM): "what does that mean?"
cristina (12:37:15 PM): "well you called an attorney's office, so are you looking for an attorney to help you?"
cristina (12:37:17 PM): "well yeah."
cristina (12:37:22 PM): "with what, exactly?"
cristina (12:37:39 PM): "i need your attorney to tell them i wann't never formed so i ain't goin to court."
cristina (12:37:42 PM): now.
cristina (12:37:42 PM): to me
cristina (12:37:45 PM): that sentence says
cristina (12:37:52 PM): "i do not exist so i'm not going to court."
ladivina117 (12:38:11 PM): hahahaha
ladivina117 (12:38:11 PM): "no sir, you were conceived, and as you are standing in front of me, you were, in fact, formed."
cristina (12:38:21 PM): but in his language that means, "I was never properly informed of said law and politely exercise my right to dispute said charges."
cristina (12:38:56 PM): in the end i told him that i'm sorry, we don't handle cases in which the client has never been "formed"
cristina (12:39:16 PM): he accepted this as an answer and hung up
ladivina117 (12:39:23 PM): hahaha
ladivina117 (12:39:44 PM): i love that
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)