our roommate-finding fiasco

While my roommate Marlboro was on deployment, Beard and I decided to take in a third renter for the fourth bedroom. We posted ads on roomster.com and craigslist and discovered that people looking for a room just do not pay attention. After getting increasingly frustrated with every email we received, I decided to post a more…precise…ad:

We have a room for rent in our house.

I’ve gotten a ton of strange/weird/annoying/creepy replies, so please read the following before emailing me.


1. We have a ROOM for rent in our house. No, it’s not a detached eight-bedroom guest house with free XM radio, HD TV and cable, leather everything, and a maid. It’s a room. That means you’ll be sharing the rest of the house with us. The room can be furnished or unfurnished, depending on whether you need furniture or not. It’s a good-sized room, with hardwood floors, two closets, and a shared hallway bathroom. No, I do not know the dimensions of the room, nor where the wood for the floors was harvested. (Who ASKS that?!) I can tell you that it’s big enough to hold a queen-sized sleigh bed and a 42” flat screen TV with plenty of room to walk around, so that should give you a decent clue as to how big it is. You’ll be sharing the hallway bathroom with 2 clean 21/22-year-old military guys, though one will be on deployment til July or so.


2. We have a room for rent in our HOUSE. It is a single family home, as in a stand-alone house with a yard. It is not a townhouse, apartment, igloo, condo, beach house, boathouse, lean-to, castle, loft, or cabin. We live on a cul-de-sac in a nice family neighborhood off of Holland Road and South Plaza Trail (it’s Windsor Woods). It’s a two-story, 4-bedroom house with hardwood floors throughout, all new appliances, den, dining room, kitchen, piano/living room, and ManCave. Yes, we have a ManCave. It’s where we smoke and play games that involve ping pong balls and liquids that might spill. It’s also where our beverage fridge resides. We also have a large fenced-in yard with a deck and above-ground pool. We recently bought the house in October and have done a TON of renovations to it, so you’ll notice a bit of trim missing there, unfinished drywall there, some paint isn’t up yet, little things like that, but it’s not like it’s actively in progress, so it’s not dusty and gross. We have HD/DVR in the den, high speed wifi, an xbox360 and wii, space for parking, and we’re close to EVERYTHING. (it’s a maximum of 20 minutes to nearly every naval base in the area)



3. We have a room for RENT in our house. Rent is $500/month plus a share of utilities. No, you cannot barter to stay with us for free by offering to “do the yard work every once in a while.” We do not accept sexual favors, fraudulent child support money, or bits of string. Renting a room means that you have to pay your share of rent and utilities each month, on time. We will ask for proof of monthly income so that we can be sure that you have the means to pay your share of the rent and utilities each month. No, a letter from your mom saying that she’s “pretty sure that you really do make $7.50/hour working full time at 7-11” is not going to cut it. If you are self-employed we will ask for either your tax returns or some form of bookkeeping. Acceptable documentation includes an LES, paycheck stubs, or a W-2.



4. WE have a room for rent in our house. This means there are multiple people living there. WE are a 26-year-old professional female, a 24-year-old male student recently out of the Navy, a 22-year-old male still in the Navy who is currently deployed (he’ll be back in july-ish), and a 23-year-old who is in the Navy and actually home. If you are not cool with living with multiple people, this house is not for you. If you haven’t gathered this from our ages, this is a very bachelor-pad sort of house, and that includes the lifestyle. This is not a suitable living situation for children of any age. No, it’s not okay if your three children from your two previous relationships live with us only on the weekends. We do drink occasionally, we do have outside smokers, and if you don’t approve of crude or offensive language, this is not the house for you.



5. I have received numerous responses from people regarding this room and for their (and your) benefit, I will now answer the questions I have received:


- Our favorite TV shows include Family Guy, South Park, House, Lost, and Sports Center

- No, it’s not okay if you “occasionally” sell “herbal supplements” out of our home.

- I will not get into our religious preferences here, but suffice it to say, no, honey, I don’t think this house would be a good fit for an extremely devout college student who wants to be a nun. I’m sorry, I hope I’m forgiven.

- Currently, our favorite quotes are: “Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.” “Pants at a time like this!!” / “That’s Scott. He’s a dick.” / “Would you like some ice for that burn?” When you meet us you can figure out which one belongs to who.

- No, we don’t want to drop acid with you. But thanks for asking…?

- Yes, I think we’d have a problem with your “naked day” every week, especially if you wandered out of your room and really do look like your picture. Sorry, hun. The truth hurts.

- No, we don’t understand Curling either. But it’s hilarious to watch.

- Eight.

- We prefer a guy because honestly, the chick we live with is awesome, but she doesn’t play nice with other girls because they always want to fight her for some reason (and vice versa). We have no idea why. We’re not asking any questions.


If you read all of this, good for you. If you’re not offended or scared off, even better. If you’re not offended or scared off AND you’re looking for a place to live, then email me immediately, because we’d like to hear from you.