Tech Support Sucks.

Okay. The majority of the people I associate with are, at the very least, technologically literate. All of us have computers, most of us have multi-tasking smart phones, and some of us have been dubbed “that guy to talk to when you don’t know what’s going on with either of them.” Me, I tend to be the first-stop tech support when it comes to our networking, computers and/or phones. I don’t know if it’s because I’m Asian (funny, I get asked a lot of math problems too…) or if it’s because I seem to know what I’m doing (most of the time I’m just following common sense) or what. I know nothing about programming or any of that “hardcore computer stuff” but if your computer’s screwing up or if the network’s not connecting or responding, I can probably sort it out. The point I’m trying to get across here is that I believe I have a moderate grasp of how all this technology shit works, and most of the time I’m making educated guesses as to how to fix it, and most of the time it just happens to work out. That said, I absolutely hate having to call Tech Support. It’s not a pride thing, oh no. I am not claiming to be an expert in anything. I just feel like if you work for Tech Support you ought to be able to provide support for technological issues. 75% of Tech Support calls are patched through to India or some other country where the calls have been outsourced to cheaper workers. The remaining 25% seem to be directed to an Adult Learning Center which obviously is in need of funding.

Here’s an example of what i’m talking about:

Your laptop is connected wirelessly to your router and you are detecting the network, however it is not connecting to the internet. You look at the modem and notice that the data light is doing some weird blinky thing it was not doing before. You check your router and notice that the data-in light is also blinking funny. You therefore deduce that your router is working correctly, but that the modem itself is not connected to the internet for some reason. You have to call Tech Support. After bemoaning your fate and giving up the rest of your afternoon, you call and explain this to the tech support person (who, 8 times out of 10, does not speak English and/or doesn’t seem to understand how to properly use their hands-free headset). Now. Why can’t companies hire some semi-intelligent people for their Tech Support line? Instead of an intelligent person who may actually know a couple things about a computer, you will be connected to a drone reading a script off a computer screen, which was pulled from their database using some half-relevant search query of jumbled up words they may or may not have heard you say.

Me: Hi, I’m having trouble with my internet connection. My computer is connected to the router, which seems to be functioning fine, but my modem is showing that my connection is down. The uplink light is blinking and I although I can connect to the network, I can’t connect to the internet. It’s driving me nuts.

Tech Support: Okay, well I’m sorry you’re having trouble with that. Let me see if there’s anything I can do to help. [you hear loud clicks of a keyboard. You assume he’s searching relevant terms to find you a solution. What you don’t know is that this guy just searched for “blinking computer nuts” because English is his second language and he isn’t really sure what you just said.] Okay ma’am…Is your computer on?

Me: Yes. My computer is on. That’s how I knew that I could connect to my network.

Tech Support: Okay…and what kind of computer is it?

Me: …it’s a macbook pro. I’m running Mac OS X 10.6. Snow Leopard. [The second that comes out of your mouth, you realize it is a mistake. Never should have mentioned animals, now this guy’s going to be thoroughly confused.]

Tech Support: Snow….Leopard?


Me: Yes. it’s just a name for the operating system.

Tech Support: …is that Windows Vista or XP?

Me: Neither. It’s a Mac. Apple. It’s running Macintosh OS X 10.6. Look, it doesn’t really matter. It’s a problem with the uplink, not my laptop.

Tech Support: Oh! It’s a laptop? Hang on. [More furious typing.] If it’s a laptop, then…um…is your laptop on?

Me: Yes. It’s on. Look, this isn’t relevant. I need you to check the modem connection. The laptop is fine, the router is fine, I just need you to reset my connection so I can restart my modem and get my internet working again.

Tech Support: Right…Okay. Okay. Um….

At this point you realize you’ve confused the poor Tech Support guy. You’re asking him to break from the script, and he can’t handle it. What drives me nuts though is that at this point, you are getting extremely frustrated and this mindless script-reading drone doesn’t know what to do. You are transferred to the supervisor, where you start the whole process over, except this time the person you’re talking to has an attitude:

Supervisor: This is Bob, Shift Supervisor. What seems to be the problem?

Me: I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be difficult, but I just need my connection reset and then I need to restart my modem. I’m just having connection issues, that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with my laptop OR my router, I know it’s just the modem.

Supervisor: Well I’m sorry you’re having so many problems -

Me: I’m not having a lot of problems. I have one, and I know how it can be fixed, but you guys need to do it, not me.

Supervisor: Alright. Let me see what I can do…Can you do me a favor and check to make sure all cables are securely connected between the wall, the modem, and your computer?

Me: …yes, all the cables are securely connected. Except between my computer and the modem, I’m on a wireless network. But the router isn’t the problem, the router is receiving perfectly from the modem. The problem is between your office and my modem.

Supervisor: Oh, well there’s your problem. You’re using a router.

Me: No. That is NOT the problem. Forget that I have a router.

Supervisor: No, no. Ma’am, this is my job, I think I may know a little more about it than you do. Now I need you to unplug your router from the modem, leaving the cable on your modem.

Me: ….fine.

Supervisor: Now plug the free end into the modem, in the Line 1 slot.

Me: …you want me to plug the modem into ITSELF?

Supervisor: Um…Yeah. I think that’s what this says.

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s not what that says.

Supervisor: Ma’am with all due respect this is my job.

Me: Yes, you’re right. It is. Please do your job and help me. I just need you to reset my connection so I can restart my modem and then this can all be over.

At about this time you’re probably eyeing your curtains, wondering if the curtain rod would support your weight if you tied those sheers around your neck. You’re pissed off, you’re frustrated, and worst of all completely helpless. You are at the mercy of some idiot on the phone with a penchant for breathing deeply and heavily, and/or speaking with some indecipherable accent. This one person is all that’s keeping you from Facebook, Cracked, and FMyLife. You’re pretty sure you’d get better results from a toddler. At least a toddler can listen sometimes.

This is why I love XKCD. Because Mr. Munroe understands:



…oh don’t we all wish.