Racism springs from ignorance.

So it's a sick day for me. It really hit me last night and I've been in bed, bundled up, with Tylenol Cold hoping that it'll just get on with it so I can get back to life on Monday. My husband moved the TV into our bedroom so I could have Netflix while sick, and I've had my laptop so of course I'm all over Reddit right now. And I came across this AskReddit thread: "What was the most racist thing you've ever witnessed?"

I always feel a little strange when questions like this pop up in my life. Because I tend to get weird reactions from people when I mention situations in which I've experienced racism first hand. The general consensus seems to be either A) who the hell am I complaining about racism when I'm not under threat of being shot just for existing, B) the incidents I've experienced aren't really racism because no one was hurt, C) some of the things I bring up are "positive" things so it's not racist, or D) it's impossible for me to experience racism because I'm not black. Yes, really, those are some responses I've gotten consistently over the years, and if you don't see anything wrong with those four statements then you're really not gonna understand the rest of this post. 

I'm Filipino, born in Seattle, Washington. Both my parents are Filipino, and from the Philippines. My dad came over from the Philippines, sponsored by my aunt, and joined the Navy music program. My mom was naturalized as a child and lived on Guam until she met and married my dad. Right there, just those two sentences have gotten me some side-eye over the years, from staunch rednecks who firmly believe that all immigrants "TOOK OUR JORRRRRBS". They get pissed off when they hear how my dad joined up, learned english, and not only succeeded, but became a pretty damn well respected figure during his career. To them, the military is their sacred ground of MURICA, and the idea of an immigrant coming in and kicking ass is threatening to them. I've had significant others whose parents were appalled (yeah I didn't keep them around for long), I've had people I meet in college tell me that my family is the reason why our country is in trouble (especially when I mention how much of my family is military), I even had one particularly ignorant person tell me that the US Armed Forces didn't need the help of "immigrant freeloaders" and that they'd rather not have us at all, that they were doing us a favor and we had to be grateful. (Yes, that really happened, at a house party of all places, after several rounds of shots, and I left immediately after that conversation.) 

Until junior high, I didn't know what racism was. I really didn't. The concept of someone not liking another person just based on their skin color was completely foreign to me, and it made absolutely no sense. So when I moved to a new school in 7th grade, I was completely unprepared for some of the really racist shit that I experienced. To this day, it's still kind of hard to judge what was racist and what was just "let's pick on the new kid" but we got new kids after me, and none of them were treated the way I was, so I mean...

Like, at one point, when my grade got a Korean exchange student, the teachers got together and asked me if I would "be his buddy" and translate for him. I was completely bewildered and responded "I only speak English." They then said "Okay but don't you know a bit of Chinese, picking it up from your family and stuff?" First of all, the kid was Korean, and second of all, I am neither Korean nor Chinese. (I do have Chinese blood in my family, but they didn't know that and it's irrelevant anyway because we don't speak Chinese.) The teachers got really annoyed with me and went on to approach the only other Asian kid in our grade to ask for his help. I don't know if they spoke each others' languages, or what really became of it, but Joel started learning how to speak English and that was that. 

I once got my ass kicked because I didn't have this
particular academic planner like the other kids did.
Seriously.

When I first got there they were amazed that I spoke english - first because I'm brown (one kid literally said "I thought she'd only speak some sort of gobbledegook"), then because we had just moved from Italy so they assumed I was Italian. Kids in my grade would trash my locker. They invented a game for the jungle gym outside where the whole point of it was to push me off the jungle gym onto the ground or into the snow. Seriously. The whole point was to just hurt me, and only me. They'd steal my books and my parents would have to pay for new ones, until they got fed up with paying for new books and had a talk with the school. After that they left my books alone but took to shoving me into lockers and desks. I had no idea what the issue was. All I knew was that these kids seemed to hate me and I didn't know why. When I learned what it was about me that they hated, I...didn't have an argument. I can't argue that I'm not brown. I couldn't make them see me as an equal. I demonstrated pretty easily that I was not stupid or a savage or whatever, but it didn't matter. They weren't all awful, I had some friends, and I might have had more except that the really awful ones made me retreat into my shell and I didn't talk to anyone if I could help it. 

I'll grant you that that was over 10 years ago. "Times have changed" people argue. I'm not entirely sure if they have. Last year my husband taught out in a more remote part of our area, one where racism and class divides are still very real. We got a lot of side eye when he introduced me as his girlfriend, and a lot of "ohhhh isn't that nice?" when we got engaged. Some of the parents and kids straight up stared at me the first time they met me, and several of the parents immediately accosted me (it was a pool party, the kids were in the water and the adults were just so curious) to interrogate me about my life, where I'm from, where my parents are from, what languages I speak, how long I've been here, etc. etc. Not a single question about my education, or who I am as a person, but a million questions about my upbringing (they were really fishing to see if I was upper class or at least upper middle class), my parentage, my genealogy. They never quite said it out loud, but it was clear I was considered to be on the same level as "the help", and since I was marrying a teacher, I had climbed as far as I was going to on the social ladder. 

Sometimes "positive" racism comes up, and I always feel super weird about it because they're not being mean but they're being ignorant and it's still offensive. Like the the time (about four years ago) my boss pulled me into his office to ask if I was Filipino because “Filipino people are such hard workers, I’m glad we hired you”. Last time I brought that up as an example of racism, the person I was talking to said he was just paying me a compliment. Okay, so what about the time some guy wearing a red MAGG hat told me to “go back to where [I came] from” and then got mad when I told him I was from Seattle? “Well it’s not his fault, you look like you immigrated here.” I don’t even understand that comment, this is America, unless you are Native American we all immigrated here. 

I've heard all sorts of interesting things regarding racism. A common remark I hear is "Why are you even talking about racism? You're not black. No one is racist against you." Um. Literally anyone can experience racist bigotry. White people, brown people, black, pink, yellow, red, purple, whatever. I also get people basically telling me that nothing really bad has ever happened to me, like no one lynched me or my family members, no one has shot us just for existing, we haven't experience X Y and Z, the worst of racism that this country is experiencing right now. Okay, I can't speak for my entire family but I can speak for myself, and no, those things haven't happened to me. You're right. 

So my question then is: At what point does this become a problem? I constantly have people telling me to let these "little things" go, but where do I draw the line? When does it get big enough that I'm "allowed" to react? When someone is physically injured? When someone insults X number of people at a time? I’ve had some people say I should let it go unless they meant it maliciously - so because they didn’t mean to be racist it’s okay? If I shoot someone because I didn't know any better, I still shot someone and I’m still gonna be charged with shooting someone. "Okay, but now you're over-exaggerating, no one's getting shot here." So is that where the line is drawn for you? Physical injury? Because let me tell you, between physical injury and emotional/mental injury, I'd take physical injury any day. It's easier to recover from. 

Racism is a hot button topic these days. #45 hasn't made that any easier on us as a country. I don't necessarily believe that Trump himself has "caused" more racism, but I do think that he has made it easier and more socially acceptable for people to express their racist/sexist/hateful opinions. Do I experience the same amount of hatred that other people do? Not that I'm aware of. Does that invalidate my experiences? No. Should I let it slide just because someone else "has it worse"? No. If a person decides to grab at my chest, I'm not going to let it go because he didn't rape me. And if a person makes a racist comment to me, I'm not going to let it go because he didn't shoot me. I decide where to draw my line, and I encourage others to find theirs as well. I'm not a crazy social justice warrior, I'm not trying to fight everyone's battles, but I do want to live in a world where I don't have to think about this stuff in daily interactions. And the only way I can build that world around myself is to draw boundaries and lines and enforce them. I can't control everyone, but I can limit my interactions as much as possible. I just want my little corner of the world to have a little less hate in it, and I am absolutely allowed to want that. 

Modern Technology: STUPID CRAZY AWESOME.

I remember when I could only use the computer through a DOS prompt. Good ol' C:\ prompt, and if i was feeling particularly frisky while searching for what I wanted, I'd use the command dir/w so I could read the display easier. I remember emailing Ann M. Martin through Prodigy to tell her how much I loved the BSC and that I was her biggest fan. I remember playing Roadrunner, Indiana Jones, and Wheel of Fortune games off of 5.25" floppy disks. I remember waiting til no one was on the phone, and connecting via modem - that awful sound meant I'd get to sign on to AIM and check my AOL email. I remember when using the computer meant sitting at a chunky desktop family computer, and you could get kicked off any second. As a musician, I remember using PowerTrax and Band In A Box to sequence MIDI songs for me to sing along to. I remember being amazed at my first SNES console - it looked so cool and bright and flashy! I remember when cell phones became a Thing, and when our family got our first "family emergency" cell phone in 1997 - a Motorola StarTac that seemed so tiny and it had a little pull out antenna and it was FLIPPY.

I was the coolest kid in school when I borrowed this. Seriously.

Fast forward to college and I remember using Kazaa and Limewire to download songs - and 90% of the time it would be a rickroll or some other awful crap and it would be a total waste of an afternoon. I remember before smartphones were a Thing, when I never texted people because no one texted, everyone always called, and I remember forgetting where my cell phone was because it didn't matter. I remember having to use a MAP to figure out where I was because i didn't have GPS (those things were expensive!) and I certainly didn't have a phone with google maps. I remember printing directions off of mapquest.

What brought this whole nostalgia-fest on? Well, today I was able to get three whole seasons of a British tv show unavailable in the US in 10 minutes, downloaded at 5.5 MB/s straight to my laptop. I brought my laptop with me into the kitchen, to the dining table, and to the bathroom - no wires or plugs of any kind attached. (Don't go "EWWWW" and act like you've never brought your laptop, tablet, and/or phone into the bathroom with you. We don't judge here.) Then, when all 4.5 GB was finished, I transferred it to a flash drive and now I can plug it into my PS3 and watch it.

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES WHAT A FUCKING MIRACLE OF TECHNOLOGY THIS IS?! I got a TV show from another country that is unavailable in this country in a matter of mere minutes, from the AIR. What the hell is even happening?! Everything I thought was crazy when I was a kid (Video calls, talking to people on the other side of the world instantly, sending messages and objects instantly) is so commonplace, high schoolers roll their eyes when I get hit with reality and am amazed. What's next? Hoverboards? OH WAIT. We HAVE those. When I was growing up, if I wanted to talk to someone on the other side of the world, it took a stamp and three weeks. I had penpals that I literally wrote to with a pen. I had a stamp collection.

I am not nearly old enough to be writing a blog post on this topic. It feels very "Stupid kids, get off my lawn!" (While I'm on the subject of blogs, though...remember LiveJournal? *shudder*) But seriously, it's mind boggling to me the things that we can do thanks to modern technology now. I can Skype or FaceTime friends and family all over the world from my car or while I'm out walking, and see what they're doing in real time. I can send a Glide of something cool I'm seeing or doing so they can look at it later. I can edit a single document in real time with my friends all over the world (excellent for songwriting collaborations) and see who's writing what. Someone could literally email me a file titled "birthdaypresentforyou.stl" and I could use a 3D printer to print my birthday present and find out what it is. (Side note: do you know how fucking cool that is?!) I can put on a VR kit and explore ridiculously realistic-looking environments of places I've only dreamed of, or wander around Hogwarts or the starship Enterprise or whatever. My best friend and I can play Borderlands on our own respective beds, hundreds of miles away from each other, and Skype at the same time so we can laugh and joke and play together as if we were in the same room. Distance means nothing anymore, not even with phones. Long-distance calling is antiquated and irrelevant. Hell, you know what happened the other day? Scientists figured out how to UNBOIL EGGS. We're well on our way to having cloaking devices. And we may soon get an actual replicator. LIKE STAR TREK.

I'm curious what will happen in the near future that I think is impossible right now. If you had told me 20 years ago that I'd have any tv show or movie I want at my fingertips within minutes or seconds, I'd probably have told you you were nuts. When my parents and I were stationed in Italy and we wanted to watch TV shows that were showing in the states, you know what we did? We had to have someone stateside TAPE episodes onto VHS and then MAIL the VHS cassettes to us in Italy. One episode at a time, one week at a time. Plus shipping time and cost. Now I can find it and start watching within seconds. What do I think is crazy right now? Well, space travel, but that's already being commercialized and has been for a while. Teleportation? Scientists have been working on it, and they've succeeded - in a fashion - with quantum teleportation thanks to entangled particles. Teleportation is pretty much the last "holy shit, no way" thing I can think of in my mind as to technology. One day, I want to go from point A to point B instantly. Perhaps that will never be possible (I just don't see how it can be) but I've seen similarly crazy things become a reality. Alternatively, I would like a robot maid (like a Roomba, but can also do my dishes and laundry) and/or cheap personal aircraft for prices comparable to a car.

We can do that, right?

Okay, so...Xbox One.

So I woke up to the internet today to discover that Microsoft has unveiled the Xbox One - the new revolutionary console that is supposed to rival the upcoming PS4. Am i the only one who's not really all that impressed with what I've read so far? I mean...yes, I will give it a fair shot (in the store). I was a die-hard Xbox fan for a very very long time. But the fact remains that it just hasn't shown me anything yet that I actually find *useful* as a gamer - and nothing new that I can't already do in some way. There are some features - like the multiplayer matchmaking system based on reputation and ability that sound really cool but I'm extremely skeptical about. There are a ton of other features (like increased graphic rendering power etc) that I'm not even going to address - but these are the ones that everyone's been screaming about that I'm just all...meh...

"But you can get on Skype with it!" i don't need my gaming console to Skype. I can Skype on my phone, laptop, and iPad. I don't even need to be near wifi to Skype on my phone. And when I do Skype, I don't need it to be on my TV and with full everyone-can-hear-my-entire-conversation sound. I can see how it might be useful if you do a lot of conference calling or if you want to Skype with your family and have your whole family talking to whomever's on the other side - but it seems like much more of a novelty than practical application.

"Motion control!! Every single Xbox One will come with a Kinect!" Okay, here's the thing about motion control. It sounds awesome. But in practice, it sort of sucks. You end up flailing around with exaggerated movements trying to get the sensor to recognize you and track you properly, and they rarely function the way they're supposed to. I hear the new Kinect has really fine-tuned its tracking though - supposedly it can track facial expressions and fingers now - but it would have had to improve a thousandfold for me to even consider it as a viable game-play option.  

"Voice control! I can walk in the room and say 'Xbox On' and it'll turn on my Xbox AND my TV!" Cool. Seriously, that is kind of cool. But there are two possibilities for this: the first is that it means that your buddy can run in the room, scream "XBOX OFF!" or some other voice-command-of-dickery and fuck your shit up. the second is that it will be tailored specifically to your voice, which means that voice-recognition software MUST have come lightyears from where it was, because let's be honest, voice-recognition software sucks. How many times have you ended up screaming "CUSTOMER SERVICE" or "ONE. ONE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" into your phone while trying to talk your way through a voice-automated system. Now imagine all that frustration while you're just trying to play your damn video games. Not to mention...how good is that on-board mic? Will you have to use a headset or an external microphone? Just curious.

"You can DVR your gameplay, edit the clips, and share them directly from your Xbox." Okay, think about this. Yes, I'm sure that YOU are really proud of the 50-headshots-in-a-row you just achieved with your pistol, but really think about it. Do we really think that everyone will care? Are you really going care about everyone else's video clips? I mean, to the point where you'll WANT to sift through thousands of video clips of noobs celebrating that they attacked with a real melee weapon instead of a spoon, people thinking they did awesome things when really, um, everyone can do that, and sex scenes in which the player teabagged the stripper after killing her to get their money back? I guarantee you for every awesome clip in which some guy pulled some insane killing spree or sneak attack or move, there will be a thousand crappy clips that no one wants to see. 

"It's being hailed as the 'most exciting social entertaining network in the world'!" ...Yeah, that's what we need. Another social network. 

"You can multitask using side-by-side apps - I can Skype while playing or watching TV!"Okay. That's kind of cool, yes. But I already get that exact same effect using Skype on my laptop while watching something. And I don't have to pay $400 - $500 more to buy a device to do to that. Not to mention, if you're really that much of a casual gamer that you want to multitask and do other things while playing - why would you buy an Xbox One to begin with?

"The AI can learn how you play - your friends could play with a shadow of you." That is really cool. And if it works as it says it works, with an intelligent AI that learns your gaming style and adapts in real-time to your actions on the level of detail they're claiming, then it really is a breakthrough in technology. The processing speed and AI algorithms would basically have to be God-level in order to accomplish this the way they're saying, so...yeah. This is why I want to test it out for a while first. 

Bottom line - yes, the Xbox One has some really cool proposed features. If they all work the way they say it works, it'll be a miracle and also pretty kickass. But the thing is - I don't care if it's a "hub" through which i can do EVERYTHING. I don't care. Because I still have to have my cable box there, I still have to have my laptop here, I still need all those other things - this just gives me a sort of receiver to mush them all together and add gaming on top of it. People who wanted this multimedia approach are already using PS3s or PCs. Sure, they added Blu-Ray, but Playstation already got the head start on that. I'm excited for the release because I want to see what it can do. But I'm not holding my breath, thinking it'll be the crowning glory of all the gaming industry. 

Think I'm biased, stupid or deluded? Discuss.

Just give me a reason / just a little one's enough / that you shouldn't be embarrassed by this sooooong...

Let me preface this post by saying that I am generally not that snobby about music. Yes, I am a professional musician and music teacher, but I love crappy pop too, and I have more than my fair share of guilty pleasure music on my iphone. 

That said. On the way home from Boyfriend's house tonight I had 94.9 on the radio, and I heard (for what was probably the third or fourth time today) that new song by P!nk (whom I generally like) and Nate Ruess (aka the guy from fun., whom I generally enjoy). The other times I heard it I just clicked the station over because it sounded like a shitty song, but this time I listened, because the radio dude announced that it was a "new song by P!nk and Nate Ruess of fun.!" I was totally stoked, for like two seconds. I wasn't a big fan of fun. at the beginning, because, well, all I'd heard was the overplayed stuff on the radio, but then a friend of mine sent me Aim and Ignite, and I loved it. Seriously, if you hate fun., do yourself a favor and listen to Aim and Ignite, and then you can just go on to hate how much they've changed. And P!nk...she grew on me. As a person, as a performer, as a musician, she grew on me. I hate to say it but I made her work for my respect, for some reason I really didn't want to like her, but in the end, I totally do.

So anyway.

I was stoked. For like two seconds, but then the music started. I was sitting at the traffic light at S. Lynnhaven and Silina, and I was horrified to immediately recognize the awful song I'd heard on the radio earlier. I just didn't realize it was P!nk and Nate Ruess. I mean, I recognized their voices this time around, but I think my brain just refused to believe two artists I like would produce such crap.

Both of these artists are genuinely talented musicians. Feel free to politely disagree with me, but I recognize the heart, soul, hard work, and real talent that goes into their music. Yeah, neither of them is like...top of the world amazing. But they both have a good handle on what they're good at, and they do it. Both of them write, arrange, and perform their own music, and both of them have created music that have moved me in some way.

That said, WHY DOES THIS SONG SUCK SO MUCH ASS?

Um...FYI, don't ever google image search the phrase "Suck Ass".

"Just Give Me a Reason" (it doesn't even have a creative *title*) has awful canned percussion, a boring melody line, an unimaginative chord progression and a static beat and rhythm...and it hardly shows off what these two artists can do. The entire last bit of the song is sung in unison. You get two artists together whose vocal ranges and abilities mean they can do some pretty fun and cool stuff together, and you make them sing unison? For the entire last half of the song? Why?! It feels like the song was building up to a climax that somehow got interrupted, and then they tried to casually saunter away like nothing happened. Like they got caught masturbating and tried to play it off like they were just scratching their leg, but then the person who walked in wouldn't leave so they had to awkwardly commit to the scratching-the-leg bit for longer than they wanted to. (I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But that's the only comparison I could really draw at the moment.)

Another thing - this song has lyrics that sound like they came out of a 13-year-old's angsty poetry notebook (complete with "DO NOT READ - YES I MEAN YOU!!!" scrawled across the front in angry bold ballpoint pen). To prove this point, I dug into my (GOD AWFUL) old journals from when I was in Junior High and found a song I wrote that I feel is comparable. First are the lyrics from "Just Give Me A Reason" and below it are lyrics from the bridge of a song I found in my notebook from when I was 13 years old, writing about how heartbroken I was that my crush had no idea how much I liked him, and how I was never going to love another boy ever again (unless he gave me a chance):

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken we're bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken we're bent
And we can learn to love again
("Just Give Me A Reason" Moore/Ruess, 2013)

Tell me what I'm doing wrong
I'm not that special but I can still love you
We were meant to love
I may be broken
But I have a heart that can hold the stars
Give love the chance to be ouuuuuuurs [i wish i could say i didn't actually write it that way in my notebook but i did]
We should have this, you and I
Or I may never love at all
("Tell Me" Loyola, 1997)

I'm going to take a pause here and facepalm rather hard over the fact that I just allowed those song lyrics to go public. *deep breath*

It literally sounds like Ms. Moore (you did know her name is Alecia Beth Moore?) and Mr. Ruess wanted to collaborate on something and they were all excited and then some record exec cut in and goes, "well hang on there, guys, we own your asses, and therefore I am going to make you record this song that my daughter wrote last night because I forgot to buy her a birthday present this year and she'll totally love this. You're the guy from that band, right? Okay. Do it."

You can practically hear the disappointment in their voices throughout the song. They know it sucks. They're almost apologetic. The vocals sound half-assed and unenthusiastic. I got no emotional response from hearing any of it. It's almost like they were like, "Goddamnit...let's just get this shit over with."

"Goddamnit, I'm missing Game of Thrones for this shit."

...It sounds like it was written specifically so it could be covered on Glee.

On the one hand, it's awful. Just awful. On the other...well, it prompted a rant, didn't it? So it's getting attention? Maybe they're just trolling us. I have no idea. All I know is that this song fucking sucks.

i really do have the weirdest dreams...

just woke up from the all round weirdest dream i've ever had, and that's saying something. i was in a high school, the zombie apocalypse hit, and everyone was panicking. there was the "hold out as long as you can" phase where people were holing up in classrooms and trying to act normal and just talk. i met a young couple (high school age) where the girl had intense anxiety problems and her boyfriend had to coax her just to speak. she asked me to answer questions for her. then the panic phase hit. authority figures like police and doctors were giving up and eating poisonous plants, and there was a group of people who were intentionally infecting as many people as they could by tagging them with infected skin. my only thought was to find my mother and get her out. so i ran to the parking lot and found a PT cruiser with the spare key in it, got it started, circled round, grabbed my mom and tried to head out. didn't last long though; the car was positively crawling (even though we had gas) so we stopped and mom told me to get a VW bug (i don't know why) but the only one we could find was some sort of VW bug scooter [i have no idea, don't ask me] that had a dead body on it. i yanked the body off (it was a pregnant woman) but she was a zombie and she tried to bite us. several onlookers used small guns (tiny concealed guns and stuff - and i mean tiny. like the Noisy Cricket from men in black) to fight her off, i yanked open the glove box and grabbed a spare key, and we were off. we sped to the airport, where we found all of the TSA workers and security guards dead in a control room, and my dad waiting patiently by my backpack (apparently i was originally at the airport, and i left to find mom) and he started bragging to everyone about how i left to find my mother and i found her and brought her back. a little girl asked me and mom "did you look for plants?" we, unaware of the implications, answered "sure did!" and her dad angrily flipped out - i guess eating poisonous plants was the way everyone was killing themselves, but we didn't know. everyone was huddled in the airport in silence - occasionally we'd hear a wrapper crinkle or something - then we heard screaming a terminal or two over. then i woke up.

i really ought to write my dreams out like screenplays. i'd have quite the entertaining collection of film shorts by now.

Always move forward - but never forget where you came from.

Do not be deceived by my open, care-free appearance. Inside me roars a tempest, which once was filled with fear, darkness, anger, hopelessness and agony. It threatened to envelop me, to destroy me, and it nearly did - but one day I stood firm. I had allowed it to take everything else from me, but that day I swore it would not have me. This resolve grew, little by little, allowing in a ray of light here and there, until it burst with forces of love, hope, faith, and forgiveness. The darkness never fully goes away; it has become a part of my past which cannot be changed. But it keeps me strong. It keeps me focused. It drives me to do good, to live a better life, and to help others calm their storms. A year and a half ago I was given a new lease on life. God held me and said, "Not today, little one. You still have work to do." And I intend to do it.

Don't be so quick to judge.

Earlier tonight, someone blasted me because last year I was considering applying for food stamps, since I didn’t have enough money to support myself. She so kindly said the following:

Its people like u that are destroying the moral fabric of this country with ur lazyness and ur entittlement. u wanna get food stamps? u have an iphone, an ipad, and a mac laptop. u wear nice clothes and always have a new dress. i seen u wear gold, diemonds, and pearls all the time. ur nails are done, ur hair is cut all cute by someone at gary alan, n u want to buy a car!! how long u gonna make payments on that car? how many times u gonna be late on it and the taxpayers will have to bail u out? ur always talkin about gaming, that shits expensive too. u live with ur parents! u dont even have ur own place. how the hell u gonna pay ur bills? you need to get ur unemployed ass to school, and get a job. i work hard for the things i have, i dont want my taxpayers dollars going to someone like u who doesn’t work and expects me to pay for their food.

Let’s back up here. First of all, I feel the need to explain something. Yes, I was considering applying for food stamps last year. This was because I was unable to work due to a medical issue and I had no money saved up to live on. If you want to judge me for that, take a look at your bank account and tell me how long you can live off of what you have in savings. If it’s a year or more, while paying all your bills and putting food on the table, then kudos to you, you’re an example to us all.

Okay, let’s take this a line at a time.

Its people like u that are destroying the moral fabric of this country with ur lazyness and ur entittlement.

“Lazyness”? Man…if only I’d been able to spend the past year being lazy. Anyone who knows me well knows the medical, psychological, and emotional hell I’ve been through the past couple of years, and I’m about 90% sure none of them would describe me as “lazy”. Also…Entittlement? You mean, like a boob job? Are my boobs destroying the moral fabric of this country? If so, fantastic. I didn’t get a boob job, though, but I’m flattered you think I did. :)

u have an iphone, an ipad, and a mac laptop. u wear nice clothes and always have a new dress. i seen u wear gold, diamonds, and pearls all the time. ur nails are done, ur hair is cut all cute by someone at gary alan, n u want to buy a car!!

Yes, I will admit openly, people judge me when I say that I consider myself “broke” because all of these things are, in fact, true. I do have an iPhone, an iPad, and a Macbook Pro. I do wear nice-ish clothes and I tend to have new clothing. Yes, I wear jewelry, and my hair and nails are generally taken care of. Yes, the only stylist with which I trust my hair works at Gary Allen, a notoriously expensive salon. Yes, I want to buy a car. But why does any of this mean that I’m wasting money and expecting taxpayers across America to pay for me? I traded the iPhone I bought years ago (that I had stopped using so I could use a cheaper phone) for a new iPhone that works on my network. I bought my iPad on Craigslist for crazy cheap. (I justify the purchase since I use it to teach - every single day. Tax deduction, woo!) My Macbook Pro was a birthday present last year. My nice-ish clothes were all either gifted to me by friends or family, bought at goodwill, or methodically saved up for. My mother, who is kind and generous, buys me new clothes when my old ones start to look ratty. (And I pay it forward by donating.) My jewelry? Most of it is jewelry I’ve had for a very very long time, some were gifts, some are borrowed, and some - like the gold and pearls - are fake. (Who cares if they are? They fooled you, right?) I do my own nails. Yes, I splurge on my hair, so sue me. But I also have an arrangement with my hairdresser, where she gives me discounts in exchange for piano lessons for her daughter. And yes, I want to buy a car. And I’m going to, in the very near future.

how long u gonna make payments on that car? how many times u gonna be late on it and the taxpayers will have to bail u out?

Actually, I’m not going to make payments on that car at all. Because when I buy that car, I can pay for it outright, with cash. Let that take a moment to sink in. I’m buying a good, reliable, relatively new car with CASH. As in, I could conceivably walk into a dealership tomorrow with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist full of hard-earned dollar bills. Can you say that you can do that? also, wut?

ur always talkin about gaming, that shits expensive too. 

Video gaming is expensive, I suppose. I don’t know, I don’t own an console. The video games I play were either gifted to me through Steam, or games I previously owned. I will admit that I play WoW, which comes with a monthly subscription fee, but seeing as it costs less than going out to eat once a month, I think i can let that slide. Also - usually when I’m talking about “gaming”, i’m talking about tabletop RPGs. Like Dungeons and Dragons. In which case, it’s a bunch of nerds sitting around a table TALKING for hours. To put it into a dialect you might understand, “That don’t cost SHIT.”

u live with ur parents! u dont even have ur own place. how the hell u gonna pay ur bills? you need to get ur unemployed ass to school, and get a job.

Yep. I sure do live with my parents. But guess what. Because I chose to live with my parents instead of try to build a life of my own that I couldn’t afford, I have NO debt (other than student loans), I’ve been able to save up for that car, and I don’t have a credit card bill to pay. Why do you assume I’m an unemployed freeloader just because I had to consider applying for food stamps? When you’re physically unable to work, the bills keep coming regardless of whether you’re sick or not. You still need to eat. Yes, perhaps I was unemployed last year, but I’m employed now. That’s why I said I was considering it *Last Year*. Even now, my grandmother lives with us, and I’m sure the extra food money would *really* come in handy. Unlike you, who I know for a fact quit community college after a year, I went to college for six years. I have decades of job experience, training, and talent in the field in which I work, and because of that, I work two jobs where I generally get paid on average about $40/hour. Full time pay for part time work. I’ve EARNED that. No one handed it to me. I spent decades honing my craft, learning new skills, and gaining experience teaching.

i work hard for the things i have, i dont want my taxpayers dollars going to someone like u who doesn’t work and expects me to pay for their food.

I don’t expect anyone to pay for my food. I am grateful that my parents give me food when I’m hungry. I work very hard for my money as well, and I understand completely the feeling that you don’t want to pay for people on welfare who abuse the system. I get that. Personally, I feel like since I need to pass a drug test to earn the money for them, they should have to pass one to reap the benefits - among other beliefs and stances. However - for every person who is abusing that system, I guarantee you there are at least 3-5 who are there because they desperately need it. Not because they’re stupid, or lazy, or have a sense of “entittlement”. (I’m sorry, it’s just so funny I have to keep saying it.) But because Life happens. And we can’t predict it, nor necessarily adequately prepare for it. I’ve given hot food to homeless people who lost their jobs, homes, and families due to unforeseen and unpreventable circumstances, like illness or a company closing down. Once, I met an ex-surgeon who developed unexplained tremors that destroyed his medical career, and after a while he couldn’t afford the medical bills anymore. He lives under a bridge in DC now.

Don’t be so quick to judge people. I’m doing my best not to judge you by your grammar and spelling, but I guarantee you about 90% of the people who read this will not be so kind. Next time you see someone like me in the grocery store pull out an EBT card to pay for her groceries, perhaps your thought process ought to be more along the lines of “Wow, she must be really thrifty to be able to put herself together like that on such a low budget.” Or if you’re not feeling that generous, limit yourself to simply admiring her bag or shoes, and maybe asking her where she got them. I’ll proudly tell people that the Louis Vuitton purse I (occasionally) carry is a knockoff my aunt bought me for a Christmas present, or that my shoes are from Payless (BOGO!!), or that I found that really cute lace cocktail dress at Goodwill.

I’m not saying there aren’t people out there who abuse the system. I’ve seen single moms who spend their child support money on Coach bags and Jimmy Choos. (No joke. I have.) I’ve seen people on welfare purposely have more kids so they can get money. But my point is - those are exceptional cases. They’re not the norm. And everyone else I’ve seen getting welfare checks, unemployment checks, or using WIC or EBT really needs the help. So don’t lump all of us in with a few bad eggs - you wouldn’t want anyone doing that to you.

“if you could jump into any famous painting, what would it be? describe the experience.”

I chose Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh.

My breath paints the cold night air as I climb the hill overlooking the town below. It tastes crisp and fresh, like the chill before a heavy snow. Everyone is getting ready to turn in for the evening; one by one the houses go dark. A lone church bell chimes as I reach the summit, then – silence. All is still. A faint breeze stirs the leaves on the trees and ruffles the tall grass around me as I sprawl out on the damp ground. Lying there, staring up into the heavens, I imagine a faceless man doing the same thing somewhere else in the world. Who is he? Is he pondering my existence as well? Does he know how often he appears in my thoughts?

I hear nothing but the breeze and the chirping of crickets. I take a deep breath. There is nothing else in the world right now but this. The sky above winks at me, encouraging me to swim amongst its stars. I slow my breathing until I’m nearly holding my breath, as if the slightest sound could shatter the delicate balance of the moment.

I lie there until the cold seeps through my clothes and begins to chill me from the inside out. Having had my fill, I slowly stand, brushing damp grass from my body. I turn my back on the people below and begin to walk. I will probably never return; it’s not in my nature. They offered what they could and I accepted with grace and humility, but now it’s time to move on. The stars keep me company as I wander out into the world alone, considering the many possibilities that now can be explored.

I am Catholic - and I support gay marriage.

Well, I’ve gotten several private messages, so I feel the need to make this clear: I am Catholic. My faith is a very big part of my life and very important to me. I am also a supporter of gay marriage. ”How is this possible?” several friends have asked me today. As a Catholic, I am well aware of the Church’s stance on homosexuality and gay marriage. To be honest, it has always been the biggest part of Catholicism that I have not felt comfortable with. I do understand what the Church says about it, and why she is against it. My own personal feelings aside, however, I believe that just because I am Catholic does not mean that I have the right to (or should at all) openly and vehemently deny others the same legal rights I have for myself.

I know that gay marriage goes against one of the fundamental principles of Catholicism. But I also know that not everyone is Catholic. And I believe that just because the Church doesn’t believe in it doesn’t mean that we as Catholics have a right to force our beliefs on others (especially those who don’t share our faith) and deny them legal rights that we ourselves enjoy.  (I want to take a moment to point out my use of the phrase “the Church doesn’t believe in gay marriage” - the reader ought to keep in mind that Church doctrine regards marriage as a sacrament, which has nothing to do with marriage as a legal contract.) To be perfectly blunt, I don’t feel it’s very Christian to say “Everyone deserves to be happy and loved, and to enjoy the same legal rights as a married couple - except those who don’t share my beliefs.” Does this make me a bad Catholic? I don’t know. Even if it does, it is one stance I will not waver on. Just because my faith doesn’t believe in gay marriage doesn’t mean that I believe it is a right that should be legally denied to those who want it. I am Catholic, yes, and I do not believe that my personal religious beliefs have any place in politics or law-making procedures. If others want to go against my religious beliefs, they can. This is America. They have a legal right to choose their own faith. I cannot stop them, nor do I feel I have a right to. Just as they don’t have a right to tell me to stop being Catholic because it goes against their moral code and/or beliefs, I don’t feel that I have a right to tell them they can’t marry the man or woman they love because of my relationship with God. 

I have had several people message me today and berate me for being unfaithful to the Catholic doctrine. And I suppose they are correct. In this manner, I am not adhering to the Catholic doctrine. But I also know that I am no longer the minority. A recent poll by the Public Religion Research Institute found that 59% of American Catholics support rights allowing gay and lesbian couples to marry. Another poll conducted by Quinnipiac University put the numbers at 54%. Am I saying that makes it “okay” within our faith to blatantly ignore the Church’s teachings? No. I’m not saying that. But I am pointing out that perhaps we as Catholics are beginning to recognize that our moral and religious beliefs may not have a place in government legislation. 

Some of you may be appalled that I have written what I have tonight. Some of you may be angry with me, and may view me differently from here on out. Some of you may call me a hypocrite, or a “lesser Catholic” or perhaps not even a Catholic at all. One rather strongly worded message I received today after I changed my profile picture to that of one representing marriage equality, accused me of being “fake” and told me I have no right attending church or representing a young Catholics’ group if my personal beliefs strayed so far from Catholic doctrine. I respect your opinions. I truly do. I mean that with no sarcasm. 

And I politely disagree. 

I am not perfect. I am not a perfect Catholic. I am not a perfect person. There have been times when I don’t believe I have even been a particularly *good* person. I don’t know anyone who can honestly say that they wholeheartedly believe they have been a good person, through and through, their entire life. And that’s okay. Because the Church teaches of forgiveness, and redemption. She teaches us of joy and rejoicing. She teaches us of love, and of charity. Et ex corde diligamus nos sincero. ”And may we love each other with a sincere heart.” How can we proclaim loudly the sin of others, ever? So someone you know lives in sin, according to your faith. What control do you have over it? In short, the way I see it is, who am I to tell others how to live?Personally, I would rather commit a sin out of love and support for my fellows than out of malice and hurtful words towards them.

I close with a hymn, particularly appropriate now that Holy Thursday is approaching. It speaks of love, of charity, of stopping evil impulses and allowing controversy to cease, and of allowing Christ our God to be in our midst. It speaks to me especially tonight, after such a hate-filled day full of hurtful words and intolerance for others.

I sincerely hope that you recognize this essay for what it is - simply my opinion. It may be wrong, it may be right, but it is mine nonetheless. As always, I wish nothing but happiness for all those I care about, including you. 

Excerpts from a conversation with a 16-year-old.

Me: see, i didn’t have to worry about my teachers on facebook. facebook wasn’t around when i was in high school.
Her: …what?! what did you guys do online?
Me: well…at first we didn’t have internet at all. It wasn’t until around 8th grade or so that internet was a thing. and then when i got to high school, well, back then there was a lot of myspace and livejournal.
Her: what’s livejournal? is that like tumblr?
Me: …yeah, sort of.
Her: …that sounds really boring.
Me: shut up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her: I’m so lost without my cell phone! Like, what if I need to CALL someone?! I can’t! I’m cut off from civilization!
Me: Quit your bitching. When I was your age, I didn’t have a cell phone. I didn’t get one until I was 17 and driving to Governor’s School every day.
Her: Well that’s just because your parents didn’t buy you one, right?
Me: You have to remember, when I was younger, we didn’t have cell phones. Seriously. They did not exist. My mom got one of the first ones readily available to the public, and that wasn’t until i was in 8th grade.
Her: …what if you needed to call someone? could you use someone else’s cell phone?
Me: not many of us had them, really.
Her: I don’t understand. what did you do?
Me: we used pay phones. or you had to ask someone if you could use their land line.
Her: what if there wasn’t one?
Me: then you were up shit creek.
Her: OMG you grew up when it was SOOOO DANGEROUS!
Me: *facepalm*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her: …did you have an ipod growing up?
Me: no, they didn’t exist either. Good god, are you trying to make me feel old tonight?!
Her: well what if you wanted to make a playlist?
Me: we made mixtapes. that involved sitting by the radio for hours on end, finger ready over the pause button so you could unpause it and record the song you wanted, and then half the time they cut off the end anyway and you’d get all angry.
Her: that sounds like it fucking sucked.
Me: …well at least the expletives have stayed the same.

My dog is an asshole

Me: No, Buckey. You can’t have that chicken. It’s not for you. Not even a little bit.
Buckey: *stare*
Me: NO. Not for puppy.
Buckey: *starts crying and whining*
Me: NO.
Bobby: Don’t give in!
Buckey: *looks at me for a moment, then sits down and offers me her paw.*
Me: awwwww
Buckey: *ears perk up, rather hopefully*
Me: Wait - hey! NO!
Bobby: DON’T DO IT!
Bobby: LMAO
Buckey: *comes close, licks my foot, and nuzzles up under my leg*
Me: NO NO NO NO
Buckey: *puppy eyes and whining*
Me: UGH. *drops a piece of chicken*
Bobby: NOOOOOoooooo!
Buckey: *sniffs it, then walks away*
Me: ….
Me: SHE DIDN’T EVEN WANT THE MOTHERFUCKING CHICKEN
Me: SHE JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF SHE COULD
Me: …what a little shit.

"Motion carried."

Cristina: the point is, even if a girl doesn’t like you for some reason, she’s not going to tell the entire eligible female community to stay away

Steven: but they meet on every 3rd of the month…

Cristina: *sigh* *smack*

Steven: right about the time they sync their menstrual cycles

Steven: thats true right? don’t ruin my illusion

Cristina: HAHAHA can you imagine that meeting?! “okay, ladies, first we’ll read the minutes from last month’s meeting…we established that Justin Bieber is still the king of pop, and that we REALLY love Joseph Gordon-Levitt. We also added Joseph Porfert and Randy Naylor to the do-not-date blacklist. Lady chairman, if you will.” “Yes, now before we start with new business - ” “LADY CHAIRMAN I HAVE AN EMERGENCY ADDITION TO THE BLACKLIST.” “…yes, miss congresswoman?” “I move that we immediately vote on putting Steven on the blacklist as well, because he was awkward when we talked.” *rabble rabble rabble*

Cristina: …they would totally vote nay. that’s not a valid reason to blacklist you.

Cristina: “miss congresswoman, your reasoning is unsatisfactory. motion denied.”

Steven: THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS, I KNEW IT

Cristina: i mean uh…

Cristina: IF a meeting of such sort WERE to take place

Cristina: >.>

I wish I could make this a handout for my kids.

here are the rules of life. read them carefully, because i have learned that they are all true. and i’m sure when i’m even older, i will discover more that i didn’t want to listen to now. 

1. life is not fair - get used to it. 

2. the world will not care about your self-esteem. the world will expect you to actually accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

3. you will not make $60,000 or even $30,000 a year right out of high school. you won’t be able to support yourself working a single part time job. if you want independence and nice things, you have to work your ass off for it.

4. if you think your teachers and parents are tough, wait til you get a boss (or two or three).

5. when push comes to shove, flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. you’ll learn you have to do whatever it takes to survive, if it’s important enough to you.

6. if you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

7. before you were born, your parents probably weren’t as boring as they are now. they got that way after years of paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you go on about how cool you think you are. remember that they were once teenagers just like you, and the difference is that they are more mature and educated than you. you could stand to learn a thing or two from them.

8. your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. there are some schools that don’t give out failing grades (VB does the E thing instead of F for Failing) and they give you a ton of chances to find the right answer. life doesn’t give a shit about your feelings, and you will fail and no one will even give you a hint that you might be failing. school (even college) does not bear even the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

9. life is not divided into semesters. you don’t get summers off and there are very few employers who are interested in helping you find yourself. do that on your own time and don’t let it get in the way of your work when your older. to put it bluntly, do that now.

10. TV isn’t real life. i know it sounds obvious, but there are thousands of young adults out there who are shocked that they actually have to do all that random crap like pay HOA dues, find car insurance, go to work every day, etc.

11. be nice to the nerds. befriend them if you can. because chances are, you’ll end up working for them one day.

"be that self which one truly is." (kierkegaard)

Below are some things that i feel define me in some way. all of these things significantly contribute to the kind of person i am, whether negative or positive. some are merely amusing anecdotes, others are deeper and more personal. one of my character defects is a tendency to overshare, and keeping that in mind i have limited some details in this post. that is not to say i am ashamed; i only censor to protect those i love. my life does not only involve me, it involves others, therefore some discretion must be involved.

[UPDATE: Today is April 02, 2014 and I have added some annotations to make this relatively current.]

Every once in a while i get all introspective and sort of try to regroup. this has happened quite often with me these past eight months, since a huge part of my recovery is self-discovery. there are some things about me that will never change. other things will change, or already have changed drastically. i can honestly say that i feel like a completely different person today than i was a year ago. and i’m still learning, and therefore changing, every day. a year ago today i was caught up in a storm from which i could not break free. it tore me up, hurt me, abused me, and ultimately broke me.

the beauty of this, however, was that once i realized i wanted to climb out of that hole, there was nowhere to go but up.

i have been working hard these past eight months to learn who i am — the good, the bad, and the ugly — and to figure out what was safe to keep, what needed to be fixed, and what needed to be thrown away. sort of a spiritual spring cleaning, if you will. as you can imagine, it’s not as easy as throwing out those tacky hand towels that aunt so and so gave you six years ago. instead, it requires that you strengthen parts of your soul and prune others. you begin to admit exactly who you are, and in the process, realize that it’s not all bad like you had feared, and that there is plenty of you to love.

and love yourself, you shall.

Baby Storm and his/her looong-ass road ahead.

I came across an article on Yahoo News the other day titled “Parents Keep Child’s Gender Under Wraps.” Click through if you’d like to read it. Basically, the general gist is, this Canadian couple had a child whom they named Storm (who is now 4 months old) and they refuse to disclose the child’s gender to anyone other than the midwives who helped deliver the child, the child’s two brothers, and a close family friend. They were quoted as saying that their choice to not disclose his/her gender is “a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a stand up to what the world could become in Storm’s lifetime (a more progressive place? …),” and saying that their decision gives Storm the freedom to choose who he or she wants to be. The mother, a teacher at an alternative school, said “What we noticed is that parents make so many choices for their children. It’s obnoxious.”

They raise their other two boys (ages 5 and 2) with the same mindset, allowing them to choose clothing from both boys’ and girls’ sections of stores, and they are “unschooled” - a version of homeschooling which puts a child’s curiosity at the center of his or her education. Both wear pink and have long hair, and are frequently assumed to be girls - although the oldest chose not to attend a conventional school because of the questions about his gender, and has asked his mother to make sure other people know he’s a boy. When asked whether the confusion over his gender upsets him, he nodded yes.

Now. First of all, my disclaimer: I don’t believe that anyone who knows me can honestly say that I am in any way against gender equality and/or the right to sexual freedom. And I can totally see what the parents are TRYING to do, and what they’re TRYING to stand for. I don’t believe they are acting with any sort of malicious intent.

However. With that said:

I don’t feel like this is the best way to raise these children. What if, instead of “liberating” her children from the evils of assigned gender roles, she is in fact just confusing them about their sexuality or “portrayed” sexuality? What if, by encouraging them so much to “think outside the box,” they feel they’re expected to cross-dress or bend gender roles? In other words,  what if, by encouraging them to choose clothing out of both the boys and girls sections, they feel they are required to? Her children are at an extremely delicate developmental stage right now. They are impressionable, and rely on mommy and daddy to make the best decisions for them in order for them to grow into well-adjusted adults.

I feel like a more appropriate course of action would be to not ask them to make choices one way or another, but to simply allow them to be whomever and whatever they want to be, and support them in their choices. If they want to wear girls’ clothing and choose activities normally enjoyed by the opposite sex, go for it! Don’t shoot them down, and encourage their choices. But that’s one thing - making them think that they want to when they’re too young to really know what they want is another - and it could be detrimental to their emotional and psychological development. I don’t believe there is anything inherently wrong with raising your girls as well-adjusted girls and allowing them freedom to make non-gender-specific choices. Same goes for boys, obviously. But I feel as though this mother goes so far out of the way to be “progressive” that she may be inadvertently forcing her children to behave in a way they don’t want to (which is exactly what she’s fighting against) but the worst part is, she’s expecting them to behave in a manner that can and probably will cause the child pain, suffering, and shame. You cannot force individuality, just like you cannot choose your gender any more than you can choose your sexual preference. I am talking, of course, about the older boys, not the baby Storm.

Storm will have his/her own problems when s/he realizes s/he has major issues with his/her sense of gender identity, which is psychologically considered essential to a fully integrated personality and a large part of a person’s self schema. To paraphrase one of the gay men who commented on this article, “So you want to change the world, fantastic. Good for you. Teach your children to be free thinkers, don’t use them as lab rats just to prove your point.” These children are TOO YOUNG to make educated decisions on such a complicated issue. Grown ADULTS have trouble making decisions like this.

I can see how this kind of upbringing would have been great for people who ended up having gender identity issues as an adult, but the problem is that this mother has no way of knowing if Storm or her boys would have developed such issues - they may be more common than society admits, but I’m not sure if they’re so common as to justify risking your kid like this. Now, instead of potentially clearing up the kid’s later gender-identity issues, the mother has likely caused a whole slew of them.

"tell me about a familiar experience that centers around emotion."

There’s nothing like it.

The muffled footsteps of people shuffling into their seats, the crackling of programs being explored. The smell of wood and dust and day-old coffee that lingers in the air - a sort of warehouse smell to which I’ve become so accustomed it almost feels like home. The lingering taste of the banana and vitamin water that has become tradition. All of a sudden I’m keenly aware of my every muscle, my every joint, the very air that enters my lungs. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The world around me has been reduced to the pounding heartbeat that seems to have taken over my whole body. I can feel my fingertips pulsating. I’m not scared, I’m not nervous - I’m ready. I want to get out there. I want to see what I can give today.

I feel alive.

A hush settles over the house and the lights dim. One more deep breath and then the click of my heels brings me out of my dark velvety cocoon and out into the open space where I am most vulnerable. I nestle into the curve of the piano, taking a moment to run my fingers over the dark wood lid, grounding me and pulling me closer to the music until I can feel it as much as hear it. Any leftover apprehension and doubt is carried away by the first few notes to envelop me.

The words that are the vessels for each floating note carry with them love, longing, sadness and joy. They carry me over and above myself until I no longer feel trapped by reality but surrounded by the beauty of Possibility. I am everyone who has ever felt anything before. I savor their passions and endure their fears, and in return I offer up my own soul. Everything I am, everything I could be, and everything I have been is on display, raw and naked. I have become pure emotion.

As the notes die down and I begin to fall back to reality, I gather up what’s left of me in an attempt to bring myself back down to earth. My pulse begins to race as I welcome the overwhelming rush and exhilaration of having thrown yourself to the wolves and survived. Trembling, I dip my head and lower myself in open gratitude, genuinely thankful for the reward of applause.

As my footsteps carry me back to the comforting thickness of heavy velvet curtains and darkness, I realize with a pang of disappointment that it’s all over - for now. Next time. I’ll be ready next time as well. After all…there really is nothing like it.

Story of my Life.

March 12, 2011. 12:37 AM. While completely sober, Cristina heads downstairs for a cup of Kool-Aid, which she brings to her room and promptly spills all over her bed. At this point, she isn’t even surprised at her clumsiness; in fact, she simply sighs dejectedly and trudges off in search of replacement sheets.

But what’s this? The self-deprecating acceptance of her clumsiness gives way to a new, somewhat unwelcome emotion when she realizes that, in a cruel twist which adds insult to injury, there is not enough left in the cup for her to take her evening medication. More must be procured, perhaps in a child’s sippy cup, or a sealed water bottle.

She heads back downstairs, annoyed and exhausted. Places the cup on the counter - so. Lifts the pitcher. Thinks twice, and lifts the cup. Determined not to make another mess, she slowly retreats back to her room, where, steadying the red plastic vessel with both hands, she drinks deeply without incident. Relieved, she places the cup on the desk opposite of her bed in order to minimize any more accidental toppling.

She crawls into bed and lets her hair out of its elastic band. As her jet-black curls tumble loose, she tosses the elastic aimlessly across the room, only to hear the faint click of elastic on plastic, and the sound of the cup tipping over, spilling its meager remains across the desktop.

The room is silent, save for her frustrated sighs. A moment passes, before we hear her turn over and go to sleep, mumbling only one audible phrase:

“Fuck. That. Shit.”

vulnerability

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

C. S. Lewis

You know what really grinds my gears?

I absolutely CANNOT stand it when someone doesn’t understand a situation because they are ignorant/don’t understand and refuse to learn and/or listen, and then they blame everyone else because they don’t understand. It pisses me off on so many levels. I recently had an experience with an individual who had a problem with English. She was Filipino, and although her English really wasn’t all that bad, she kept saying “I no speak! I no speak! ALL WRONG!!” in regards to some paperwork we drew up for her. First of all, her paperwork was NOT wrong. We have drafted and re-drafted this paperwork like eight times, because we keep writing EXACTLY what she wants us to write and then claims it’s “wrong” because she doesn’t understand the legal jargon. She hired us to draft this for her, specifically BECAUSE she didn’t know what needed to be written. And when we keep trying to explain to her what it is that we’ve written, she keeps saying “I NO SPEAK! ALL WRONG! I KNOW!! ALL WRONG!!” HOW are you going to tell me that you don’t speak the language AND that you know it’s all wrong in the same sentence?! If you don’t speak it then how do you know?! She keeps getting frustrated because she doesn’t understand, and she refuses to listen if we try to explain. I HATE THAT. If you don’t understand, and we try to explain, and you refuse to listen, and then get UPSET that you don’t understand, then honestly? Go somewhere else. You’re pissing me off.

Another thing that really “grinds my gears” came out last night. It was nearing the end of Trick-or-Treating and since we had bought a metric butt-ton of the good, full-size candy bars, I figured I’d take some out on the street and offer it to people, so we could get rid of most of it. Some people were polite and grateful. They took one, maybe two (usually after asking if they could), and said thank you afterward. Then I made the mistake of offering to a certain group of people. These people. Oh dear Lord. The second I offered I knew I shouldn’t have. Half of the kids were way too old to be trick-or-treating (we have a law here that says over 12 is not allowed) and they weren’t even dressed up - although I did overhear one of them state that they “deserved” it and that they believed they were entitled to candy on Halloween. I believe that exact wording was something like “Man, F*CK these kids, I deserve this shit more than they do they cain’t even eat this shit. *I* get candy on Halloween, motherf*ckers!!!” [insert maniacal laugh] The second I called out, “Would any of you like some candy? We bought the full size ones and we’re trying to pass it all out.” I was positively ATTACKED by their crowd. The parents were egging them on, telling the kids to grab as much as they could, and the candy (which was in my apron, I was holding it out) was snatched up by the handful. I mean literally. Kids AND ADULTS were taking handfuls out of my apron, stuffing it into their bags, and taking more - all the while whooping and hollering like they won some prize, screaming “F*CK YEAH MOTHERF*CKERS!” and loudly exclaiming how THIS was the kind of candy they deserved. “THAT’S what I’m talking about, this is the REAL stuff, THIS is the kind of candy we ought to be GETTIN! You got any more?!” ….The amount of ignorance this crowd possessed was staggering. Not to mention the overgrown sense of entitlement and the pure disregard for the fact that this was a family holiday, for the children, who by the way were walking around this and heard every word. I instantly regretted being nice to them and offering them the candy we spent our own money to purchase.

Tech Support Sucks.

Okay. The majority of the people I associate with are, at the very least, technologically literate. All of us have computers, most of us have multi-tasking smart phones, and some of us have been dubbed “that guy to talk to when you don’t know what’s going on with either of them.” Me, I tend to be the first-stop tech support when it comes to our networking, computers and/or phones. I don’t know if it’s because I’m Asian (funny, I get asked a lot of math problems too…) or if it’s because I seem to know what I’m doing (most of the time I’m just following common sense) or what. I know nothing about programming or any of that “hardcore computer stuff” but if your computer’s screwing up or if the network’s not connecting or responding, I can probably sort it out. The point I’m trying to get across here is that I believe I have a moderate grasp of how all this technology shit works, and most of the time I’m making educated guesses as to how to fix it, and most of the time it just happens to work out. That said, I absolutely hate having to call Tech Support. It’s not a pride thing, oh no. I am not claiming to be an expert in anything. I just feel like if you work for Tech Support you ought to be able to provide support for technological issues. 75% of Tech Support calls are patched through to India or some other country where the calls have been outsourced to cheaper workers. The remaining 25% seem to be directed to an Adult Learning Center which obviously is in need of funding.

Here’s an example of what i’m talking about:

Your laptop is connected wirelessly to your router and you are detecting the network, however it is not connecting to the internet. You look at the modem and notice that the data light is doing some weird blinky thing it was not doing before. You check your router and notice that the data-in light is also blinking funny. You therefore deduce that your router is working correctly, but that the modem itself is not connected to the internet for some reason. You have to call Tech Support. After bemoaning your fate and giving up the rest of your afternoon, you call and explain this to the tech support person (who, 8 times out of 10, does not speak English and/or doesn’t seem to understand how to properly use their hands-free headset). Now. Why can’t companies hire some semi-intelligent people for their Tech Support line? Instead of an intelligent person who may actually know a couple things about a computer, you will be connected to a drone reading a script off a computer screen, which was pulled from their database using some half-relevant search query of jumbled up words they may or may not have heard you say.

Me: Hi, I’m having trouble with my internet connection. My computer is connected to the router, which seems to be functioning fine, but my modem is showing that my connection is down. The uplink light is blinking and I although I can connect to the network, I can’t connect to the internet. It’s driving me nuts.

Tech Support: Okay, well I’m sorry you’re having trouble with that. Let me see if there’s anything I can do to help. [you hear loud clicks of a keyboard. You assume he’s searching relevant terms to find you a solution. What you don’t know is that this guy just searched for “blinking computer nuts” because English is his second language and he isn’t really sure what you just said.] Okay ma’am…Is your computer on?

Me: Yes. My computer is on. That’s how I knew that I could connect to my network.

Tech Support: Okay…and what kind of computer is it?

Me: …it’s a macbook pro. I’m running Mac OS X 10.6. Snow Leopard. [The second that comes out of your mouth, you realize it is a mistake. Never should have mentioned animals, now this guy’s going to be thoroughly confused.]

Tech Support: Snow….Leopard?


Me: Yes. it’s just a name for the operating system.

Tech Support: …is that Windows Vista or XP?

Me: Neither. It’s a Mac. Apple. It’s running Macintosh OS X 10.6. Look, it doesn’t really matter. It’s a problem with the uplink, not my laptop.

Tech Support: Oh! It’s a laptop? Hang on. [More furious typing.] If it’s a laptop, then…um…is your laptop on?

Me: Yes. It’s on. Look, this isn’t relevant. I need you to check the modem connection. The laptop is fine, the router is fine, I just need you to reset my connection so I can restart my modem and get my internet working again.

Tech Support: Right…Okay. Okay. Um….

At this point you realize you’ve confused the poor Tech Support guy. You’re asking him to break from the script, and he can’t handle it. What drives me nuts though is that at this point, you are getting extremely frustrated and this mindless script-reading drone doesn’t know what to do. You are transferred to the supervisor, where you start the whole process over, except this time the person you’re talking to has an attitude:

Supervisor: This is Bob, Shift Supervisor. What seems to be the problem?

Me: I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be difficult, but I just need my connection reset and then I need to restart my modem. I’m just having connection issues, that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with my laptop OR my router, I know it’s just the modem.

Supervisor: Well I’m sorry you’re having so many problems -

Me: I’m not having a lot of problems. I have one, and I know how it can be fixed, but you guys need to do it, not me.

Supervisor: Alright. Let me see what I can do…Can you do me a favor and check to make sure all cables are securely connected between the wall, the modem, and your computer?

Me: …yes, all the cables are securely connected. Except between my computer and the modem, I’m on a wireless network. But the router isn’t the problem, the router is receiving perfectly from the modem. The problem is between your office and my modem.

Supervisor: Oh, well there’s your problem. You’re using a router.

Me: No. That is NOT the problem. Forget that I have a router.

Supervisor: No, no. Ma’am, this is my job, I think I may know a little more about it than you do. Now I need you to unplug your router from the modem, leaving the cable on your modem.

Me: ….fine.

Supervisor: Now plug the free end into the modem, in the Line 1 slot.

Me: …you want me to plug the modem into ITSELF?

Supervisor: Um…Yeah. I think that’s what this says.

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s not what that says.

Supervisor: Ma’am with all due respect this is my job.

Me: Yes, you’re right. It is. Please do your job and help me. I just need you to reset my connection so I can restart my modem and then this can all be over.

At about this time you’re probably eyeing your curtains, wondering if the curtain rod would support your weight if you tied those sheers around your neck. You’re pissed off, you’re frustrated, and worst of all completely helpless. You are at the mercy of some idiot on the phone with a penchant for breathing deeply and heavily, and/or speaking with some indecipherable accent. This one person is all that’s keeping you from Facebook, Cracked, and FMyLife. You’re pretty sure you’d get better results from a toddler. At least a toddler can listen sometimes.

This is why I love XKCD. Because Mr. Munroe understands:



…oh don’t we all wish.