Below are some things that i feel define me in some way. all of these things significantly contribute to the kind of person i am, whether negative or positive. some are merely amusing anecdotes, others are deeper and more personal. one of my character defects is a tendency to overshare, and keeping that in mind i have limited some details in this post. that is not to say i am ashamed; i only censor to protect those i love. my life does not only involve me, it involves others, therefore some discretion must be involved.
[UPDATE: Today is April 02, 2014 and I have added some annotations to make this relatively current.]
Every once in a while i get all introspective and sort of try to regroup. this has happened quite often with me these past eight months, since a huge part of my recovery is self-discovery. there are some things about me that will never change. other things will change, or already have changed drastically. i can honestly say that i feel like a completely different person today than i was a year ago. and i’m still learning, and therefore changing, every day. a year ago today i was caught up in a storm from which i could not break free. it tore me up, hurt me, abused me, and ultimately broke me.
the beauty of this, however, was that once i realized i wanted to climb out of that hole, there was nowhere to go but up.
i have been working hard these past eight months to learn who i am — the good, the bad, and the ugly — and to figure out what was safe to keep, what needed to be fixed, and what needed to be thrown away. sort of a spiritual spring cleaning, if you will. as you can imagine, it’s not as easy as throwing out those tacky hand towels that aunt so and so gave you six years ago. instead, it requires that you strengthen parts of your soul and prune others. you begin to admit exactly who you are, and in the process, realize that it’s not all bad like you had feared, and that there is plenty of you to love.
and love yourself, you shall.
1. i have found my faith again, and in a way that i never thought possible. I won't get into it, but bottom line: I have found my own personal relationship with my higher power, and I find it fulfilling and comforting.
2. i freaking love scrabble, aquariums, snuggling, and cheesy movies. i love most games, actually - board games, tabletop rpgs, video games, word games, whathaveyou. i like having fun, and i love having fun with friends. i’ve always been a very affectionate person with my friends and relationships, and cuddling and snuggling is way up there on my list of Awesome Things I Love.
3. when i was three years old i superglued my hands to my thighs. this pretty much set the tone for my life.
4. i’m an only child, but family is extremely important to me. my cousins are as close to me as brothers and sisters. it’s not a figure of speech - literally, i regard them as my brothers and sisters. i didn’t realize that so many people wouldn’t understand this - i assumed everyone was as close to their cousins as i am. but when my cousin nate passed away, many people didn’t seem to understand why i was (and still am) so completely heartbroken. i love my cousins so much, and i wish i got to see them more often.
5. i am an extremely passionate, emotional person. i’m ruled more by emotions than rationale, and will fight desperately for what i believe in. i have begun to learn how to think rationally instead of allow myself to always be governed by emotions alone, but in moments of pure passion i still tend to slip. i’m working on it.
6. every time i see someone cry, i start crying. even in movies. even in books. i have cried just as much over fictional characters being hurt as real ones. anyone read the redwall series? i flat out cried for a good five or ten minutes when methuselah was killed in the original book. and in harry potter? well…i had a box of tissues reserved for deathly hallows. and i was in genuine oh-god-pause-the-movie-because-i’m-sobbing-so-hard tears during the Lion King the first time I watched it. same with Marley and Me.
7. for the first time in my life, i’m starting to believe i can trust myself. yes, i still make mistakes, and yes, my instinct reaction usually isn’t the best one, but i’m finding that i take time to think things through much more than i used to, and reacting accordingly. [UPDATE: two years after this post was initially published, and I am still working on this. I am learning to gradually trust my instincts more, and I have surrounded myself with handpicked, good people that I can trust to give me a reality check when I need it.]
8. i have an…oddly mixed-up sense of humor. i love puns, irony, monty python, and Extras…but i also find south park, family guy, and rejected hilarious. I love to laugh, and can and usually do find at least *something* humorous in most situations. sometimes i get the impression that people consider me “flighty” or “simple” because i laugh a lot. if that’s what you believe, i’m sorry. you obviously don’t know me very well. maybe you wouldn’t be so cranky and judgmental if you laughed some more.
9. i received my first communion at a papal mass with JPII. we were living in naples, italy at the time, and drove the 3 hours to the vatican with the other kids. i had a broken ankle and hobbled around on crutches. but it was still pretty cool.
10. i absolutely love kids. i have always known that i wanted to have a family of my own one day, but until then i’m perfectly content watching other peoples’ kids. seriously, if you ever need a babysitter, i’m totally up for it. i miss having little ones in my life.
11. i get REALLY CRANKY if i’m tired or hungry. God forbid i’m ever BOTH. i am, however, getting better at acknowledging the Cranky and apologizing for it.
12. pet peeves: having to constantly repeat myself (like if the phone connection is bad or something…yeah i know it’s not your fault, but it’s still annoying as crap), feeling like i’m not being heard or understood. also, loud, sudden startling noises.
13. i feel like i’m finally starting to even out a bit. it used to be that my moods would go all over the place: hyper, bubbly, depressed, sad, angry, giggly…now i’m pretty even keel most of the time. still overly emotional, don’t get me wrong, i think i’ll always be that way. but a bit more even keel on the day-to-day moods. *shrug* maybe i just needed to grow out of it. [UPDATE: This has gotten a million times better. A few years ago I had a lot of trouble regulating my emotions and moods. Now I'm about as even-keel as someone like me can be. that is, a person whose hyperbole is so fucking out there it's searching for oil on Titan.]
14. i hate being startled or tickled. i will retaliate instinctively if you startle/tickle me on purpose. People have learned the hard way. Chances are VERY HIGH you will get hurt or injured in some way. the last guy who tickled me ended up with a broken nose - all because my arms just start flailing and freaking out. it's not a fun feeling for me. i genuinely hate it. it terrifies me and makes me have anxiety attacks.
15. my favorites:
- reading genres: technological thrillers/science fiction and fantasy
- foods: pancit palabok, beef sinigang, beef stroganoff
- colors: red, deep corals and rich turquoises
- musicians: ben folds, sara bareilles
16. i have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and am being treated for that in addition to major anxiety. this has been a huge blow to my ego, in addition to being completely uncharted territory for me. i’m such an outgoing, people-loving person, and when i suddenly started having anxiety and panic attacks over things that never used to bother me before, it broke me. it took me a little while to develop coping mechanisms so i could resume my day-to-day routines, but i’ve had to make some serious accommodations, and to be perfectly frank, i hate it. but i have a wonderful support network, and i’m very fortunate to have cool friends, who, when they see it happen, just sort of roll with it instead of making a big deal out of it. [UPDATE: two years later, and this is much much more under control than it used to be. I rarely have panic attacks now, and when I do I'm getting much better at minimizing them.]
17. i do have a rather inappropriate sense of humor. but there’s a difference to me between off-color and completely tasteless.
18. i do find horrible puns ridiculously hilarious. (“Two more operas today…my back is tired of supporting me.” “Oh honey, go to bed. You poor thing. I think you’ve been too Bizet. You should get some rest.” “…I’m not talking to you anymore.”)
19. the quickest way to win my heart is to be funny, smart, cuddly, and witty. Lord help me if you are all of the above and are some sort of geek/nerd.
20. i love children’s movies, especially pretty much anything pixar. my favorites as a kid were Milo and Otis, Homeward Bound, The Land Before Time, and The Little Mermaid. we just watched TLBT the other day, and i was still quoting it, even though the last time i saw it i must’ve been like, 8.
21. i am a firm believer in practicing random acts of kindness. it always comes back around to you, and if anyone ever does something nice for you, the best thing in the world you can do is pass it along. what does it cost you to simply be nice to someone? to smile and pay them a compliment? or to offer to help them with something?
22. i have nearly completely changed in the past eight months. maybe not my inherent personality or sense of humor, but deep down inside, the basic fundamentals of who i define myself as and what i believe in have changed drastically. i believe for the much better. [UPDATE: two years later and I can humbly say that I was able to continue that journey. Now, instead of eight months I have 2 and a half years under my belt, and I lead a life that is more fulfilling than I had ever hoped or dreamed. I can't describe how grateful I am for that.]
23. I am extremely fortunate to have learned a vital piece of wisdom in the past eight months: I can choose the people with whom I am surrounded. it seems like such a simple concept - choosing the right people with whom to spend time - but it changed my life. before then i just sort of fell in with this group of people, that group…and life was chaotic and i was getting hurt a lot. when i started being picky about those with whom i surrounded myself…all of a sudden, the drama melted away, i discovered that real friends - the ones that you read about in books who are there for you because they love you, not because they want something from you - do exist, and my life became significantly more manageable. [UPDATE: I still practice this religiously to this day. I choose the people in my life extremely carefully. Sometimes it makes me look like i'm being uptight or unreasonable. I ignore the people who say that, because this one rule has kept me out of trouble and alive, and those are the two things i strive to be 100% of the time.]
I’m sure there are more things about me that I feel are important and must be recorded. Really, this posting has always been more for me, to organize my thoughts and define what i feel. but i share it with you, my friends, so that a) you know what you’re dealing with, b) maybe you can get to know me a little better, and c) i can try to satisfy a lot of questions that people have. for those of you who read this whole thing, i hope you were able to come away with something of use or value. part of sharing our experiences as people is learning, and i wouldn’t have gotten this far if i didn’t have amazing people around to help me learn how to live. if i can give back even a tiny fraction of that to the world, i’ll be happy.
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