Tech Support Sucks.

Okay. The majority of the people I associate with are, at the very least, technologically literate. All of us have computers, most of us have multi-tasking smart phones, and some of us have been dubbed “that guy to talk to when you don’t know what’s going on with either of them.” Me, I tend to be the first-stop tech support when it comes to our networking, computers and/or phones. I don’t know if it’s because I’m Asian (funny, I get asked a lot of math problems too…) or if it’s because I seem to know what I’m doing (most of the time I’m just following common sense) or what. I know nothing about programming or any of that “hardcore computer stuff” but if your computer’s screwing up or if the network’s not connecting or responding, I can probably sort it out. The point I’m trying to get across here is that I believe I have a moderate grasp of how all this technology shit works, and most of the time I’m making educated guesses as to how to fix it, and most of the time it just happens to work out. That said, I absolutely hate having to call Tech Support. It’s not a pride thing, oh no. I am not claiming to be an expert in anything. I just feel like if you work for Tech Support you ought to be able to provide support for technological issues. 75% of Tech Support calls are patched through to India or some other country where the calls have been outsourced to cheaper workers. The remaining 25% seem to be directed to an Adult Learning Center which obviously is in need of funding.

Here’s an example of what i’m talking about:

Your laptop is connected wirelessly to your router and you are detecting the network, however it is not connecting to the internet. You look at the modem and notice that the data light is doing some weird blinky thing it was not doing before. You check your router and notice that the data-in light is also blinking funny. You therefore deduce that your router is working correctly, but that the modem itself is not connected to the internet for some reason. You have to call Tech Support. After bemoaning your fate and giving up the rest of your afternoon, you call and explain this to the tech support person (who, 8 times out of 10, does not speak English and/or doesn’t seem to understand how to properly use their hands-free headset). Now. Why can’t companies hire some semi-intelligent people for their Tech Support line? Instead of an intelligent person who may actually know a couple things about a computer, you will be connected to a drone reading a script off a computer screen, which was pulled from their database using some half-relevant search query of jumbled up words they may or may not have heard you say.

Me: Hi, I’m having trouble with my internet connection. My computer is connected to the router, which seems to be functioning fine, but my modem is showing that my connection is down. The uplink light is blinking and I although I can connect to the network, I can’t connect to the internet. It’s driving me nuts.

Tech Support: Okay, well I’m sorry you’re having trouble with that. Let me see if there’s anything I can do to help. [you hear loud clicks of a keyboard. You assume he’s searching relevant terms to find you a solution. What you don’t know is that this guy just searched for “blinking computer nuts” because English is his second language and he isn’t really sure what you just said.] Okay ma’am…Is your computer on?

Me: Yes. My computer is on. That’s how I knew that I could connect to my network.

Tech Support: Okay…and what kind of computer is it?

Me: …it’s a macbook pro. I’m running Mac OS X 10.6. Snow Leopard. [The second that comes out of your mouth, you realize it is a mistake. Never should have mentioned animals, now this guy’s going to be thoroughly confused.]

Tech Support: Snow….Leopard?


Me: Yes. it’s just a name for the operating system.

Tech Support: …is that Windows Vista or XP?

Me: Neither. It’s a Mac. Apple. It’s running Macintosh OS X 10.6. Look, it doesn’t really matter. It’s a problem with the uplink, not my laptop.

Tech Support: Oh! It’s a laptop? Hang on. [More furious typing.] If it’s a laptop, then…um…is your laptop on?

Me: Yes. It’s on. Look, this isn’t relevant. I need you to check the modem connection. The laptop is fine, the router is fine, I just need you to reset my connection so I can restart my modem and get my internet working again.

Tech Support: Right…Okay. Okay. Um….

At this point you realize you’ve confused the poor Tech Support guy. You’re asking him to break from the script, and he can’t handle it. What drives me nuts though is that at this point, you are getting extremely frustrated and this mindless script-reading drone doesn’t know what to do. You are transferred to the supervisor, where you start the whole process over, except this time the person you’re talking to has an attitude:

Supervisor: This is Bob, Shift Supervisor. What seems to be the problem?

Me: I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be difficult, but I just need my connection reset and then I need to restart my modem. I’m just having connection issues, that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with my laptop OR my router, I know it’s just the modem.

Supervisor: Well I’m sorry you’re having so many problems -

Me: I’m not having a lot of problems. I have one, and I know how it can be fixed, but you guys need to do it, not me.

Supervisor: Alright. Let me see what I can do…Can you do me a favor and check to make sure all cables are securely connected between the wall, the modem, and your computer?

Me: …yes, all the cables are securely connected. Except between my computer and the modem, I’m on a wireless network. But the router isn’t the problem, the router is receiving perfectly from the modem. The problem is between your office and my modem.

Supervisor: Oh, well there’s your problem. You’re using a router.

Me: No. That is NOT the problem. Forget that I have a router.

Supervisor: No, no. Ma’am, this is my job, I think I may know a little more about it than you do. Now I need you to unplug your router from the modem, leaving the cable on your modem.

Me: ….fine.

Supervisor: Now plug the free end into the modem, in the Line 1 slot.

Me: …you want me to plug the modem into ITSELF?

Supervisor: Um…Yeah. I think that’s what this says.

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s not what that says.

Supervisor: Ma’am with all due respect this is my job.

Me: Yes, you’re right. It is. Please do your job and help me. I just need you to reset my connection so I can restart my modem and then this can all be over.

At about this time you’re probably eyeing your curtains, wondering if the curtain rod would support your weight if you tied those sheers around your neck. You’re pissed off, you’re frustrated, and worst of all completely helpless. You are at the mercy of some idiot on the phone with a penchant for breathing deeply and heavily, and/or speaking with some indecipherable accent. This one person is all that’s keeping you from Facebook, Cracked, and FMyLife. You’re pretty sure you’d get better results from a toddler. At least a toddler can listen sometimes.

This is why I love XKCD. Because Mr. Munroe understands:



…oh don’t we all wish.

atomic tom

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAllFWSl998?wmode=transparent&autohide=1&egm=0&hd=1&iv_load_policy=3&modestbranding=1&rel=0&showinfo=0&showsearch=0&w=500&h=304]
These guys are awesome. Seriously, I’m impressed. Part of me is kind of put off simply because everyone’s going to view it as an iPhone stunt, but the fact of the matter is - they sound GOOD. and i’m impressed with their lead singer hitting all those high notes in tune while sitting on a subway.

…i may have to give atomic tom a listen and see if i like them.

(Source: http://www.youtube.com/)

Really? Julius Caesar. Shakespeare. In the play this creeper tells JC to “beware the ides of march” and caesar’s all like “pfffft whatever man” and creeper goes “no really, watch your shit” and caesar’s all “dude, I’m Julius fucking Caesar.” so then JC gets his ass kicked and dies because his best buddy betrays him and stabs him in the back, literally. And as he’s dying he cries, “et tu bruté?” which roughly translates to “dude! Really?!”

“so uh…when’s the ides of march?”

Oh. March 15th.

My explanation of "the ides of march"

Really? Julius Caesar. Shakespeare. In the play this creeper tells JC to “beware the ides of march” and caesar’s all like “pfffft whatever man” and creeper goes “no really, watch your shit” and caesar’s all “dude, I’m Julius fucking Caesar.” so then JC gets his ass kicked and dies because his best buddy betrays him and stabs him in the back, literally. And as he’s dying he cries, “et tu bruté?” which roughly translates to “dude! Really?!”

“so uh…when’s the ides of march?”

Oh. March 15th.

The Four Levels of Social Entrapment

The Four Levels of Social Entrapment

Filter=onplz

One of my biggest personality flaws is my apparent lack of any sort of filter between my brain and my mouth. This is regarded as generally bad, since I also have a somewhat offensive sense of humor and I also tend to just blurt out the first thing to come to mind without thinking.

Some would argue that this is part of what makes me amusing. I’m sure it is. I’m POSITIVE it is. However, it is not always the Smart Thing To Do.

Example:

I work in a law firm. Every client has to sign a retainer agreement when they hire us for a matter that explicitly states what they’re hiring us to do. My boss’s boss was getting on me for not writing the matter retained on the client’s receipts. (Totally valid, I did mess that up, I’ll admit that) She IMs me, saying “How will the client know what they’ve retained for?” Before I could stop myself, I responded with a slightly (though completely unintended) snarky “Well it’s usually on their retainer agreement.”

The second it was out of my mouth, I realized what I’d said and to whom, and cringed. Oops. I’m a Smartass. I’m sorry :(

momma said there'd be days like this...

8:30 AM - Discover that I didn’t even hear my first round of alarms to wake up. Realize quickly that I have to leave the house in ten minutes, I smell, and I am starving. I also discover that we will be down two staff at work, which always makes the day hectic. Great.

8:42 AM - I am mildly amazed that not only did I leave the house relatively on time, but I am also dressed appropriately for the weather. Sing along to “Machine Gun” by Sara Bareilles in the car in order to try to pump myself up for work. Not looking forward to getting reamed out for a complete misunderstanding from last night.

8:43 AM - I am nearly killed by a school bus that runs a stop sign. Sing something like “I’m well versed in how I might be cursed, I - SHIT!! AAAUGH!”  Fucking wonderful. How apropos. Have a sinking feeling that this day may turn out to be a bust.

8:54 AM - Ooh, prime parking at the office. Word. Pretend to be texting in the elevator so as to avoid eye contact with the smelly guy in the elevator. Worry that maybe I smell that bad too. I certainly hope not.

9:02 AM - First client walks in just as I receive the first phone call of the day. His paperwork is nowhere to be found, I end up calling one of the attorneys and asking where it was. It was not ready yet, but thankfully the client is understanding. Person on the phone is inquiring about his case but just retained yesterday. He is furious we JUST opened his matter and began working on it. Apparently we are not fast enough for this man. Commence banging head on desk.

9:15 AM - First major problem client of the day. Screams at me in regards to a check her bank supposedly sent us and mailed to us. We haven’t received it.

9:38 AM - Receive nasty-gram email from boss in regards to misunderstanding last night. Basically get yelled at for doing something she thinks I did. Sigh.

11:15 AM - First kind phone call I’ve received all day. Thank you Judge C.

11:20 AM - Problem client calls back. This time she screams at me AND our sister office about her check. She rants for a few minutes as I do everything I can to be nice and sweet and helpful (which only pisses her off more), only for her to discover it was an error on HER part that prevented us from receiving said check (she put in the wrong address) and ends the conversation with “well I was still treated rudely!” …so was I. who shall i complain to?

11:40 AM - Receive video text from my mother with clips of the Hogwarts Choir singing at the Harry Potter amusement park in Orlando, along with pictures of the castle. So jealous.

12:10 PM - Still haven’t gone to lunch. Phones are ringing off the hook. don’t even know what I want to eat.

…maybe my afternoon will be better.

truth.

A lie gets halfway across the world before the truth even has a chance to get its pants on.

Winston Churchill

Geeks, rejoice :)

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

God. Just those words make me squeal a little inside and want to curl up with that book and a cup of tea while simultaneously googling ways to create an authentic Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

I bring it up because on October 12th, 1979, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was released in London, making today the 31st anniversary of its release.

I remember first discovering the book, thanks to my darling Gay Boyfriend, who has yet to steer me wrong in the ways of books and music. That summer years ago during which I discovered the friendly words “Don’t Panic” (and became increasingly suspicious of mice) I learned many things, but two stuck out in my mind:

1. My vocabulary, expansive as it may be, had yet to adequately explore the English language in the British sense.

2. I fancied myself witty. I was not. I became painfully aware that I was not living up to my full potential, and that this was a problem that needed to be rectified as soon as possible.

I also learned that I am NOT the only one who thinks up wildly outrageous scenarios and puts them on paper, and that one of the most amusing ways to describe anything is to tell someone precisely what it is NOT.

I can safely say that discovering and reading H2G2 was an Event in my life, and I urge you all to share and enjoy :)