i really do have the weirdest dreams...

just woke up from the all round weirdest dream i've ever had, and that's saying something. i was in a high school, the zombie apocalypse hit, and everyone was panicking. there was the "hold out as long as you can" phase where people were holing up in classrooms and trying to act normal and just talk. i met a young couple (high school age) where the girl had intense anxiety problems and her boyfriend had to coax her just to speak. she asked me to answer questions for her. then the panic phase hit. authority figures like police and doctors were giving up and eating poisonous plants, and there was a group of people who were intentionally infecting as many people as they could by tagging them with infected skin. my only thought was to find my mother and get her out. so i ran to the parking lot and found a PT cruiser with the spare key in it, got it started, circled round, grabbed my mom and tried to head out. didn't last long though; the car was positively crawling (even though we had gas) so we stopped and mom told me to get a VW bug (i don't know why) but the only one we could find was some sort of VW bug scooter [i have no idea, don't ask me] that had a dead body on it. i yanked the body off (it was a pregnant woman) but she was a zombie and she tried to bite us. several onlookers used small guns (tiny concealed guns and stuff - and i mean tiny. like the Noisy Cricket from men in black) to fight her off, i yanked open the glove box and grabbed a spare key, and we were off. we sped to the airport, where we found all of the TSA workers and security guards dead in a control room, and my dad waiting patiently by my backpack (apparently i was originally at the airport, and i left to find mom) and he started bragging to everyone about how i left to find my mother and i found her and brought her back. a little girl asked me and mom "did you look for plants?" we, unaware of the implications, answered "sure did!" and her dad angrily flipped out - i guess eating poisonous plants was the way everyone was killing themselves, but we didn't know. everyone was huddled in the airport in silence - occasionally we'd hear a wrapper crinkle or something - then we heard screaming a terminal or two over. then i woke up.

i really ought to write my dreams out like screenplays. i'd have quite the entertaining collection of film shorts by now.

Always move forward - but never forget where you came from.

Do not be deceived by my open, care-free appearance. Inside me roars a tempest, which once was filled with fear, darkness, anger, hopelessness and agony. It threatened to envelop me, to destroy me, and it nearly did - but one day I stood firm. I had allowed it to take everything else from me, but that day I swore it would not have me. This resolve grew, little by little, allowing in a ray of light here and there, until it burst with forces of love, hope, faith, and forgiveness. The darkness never fully goes away; it has become a part of my past which cannot be changed. But it keeps me strong. It keeps me focused. It drives me to do good, to live a better life, and to help others calm their storms. A year and a half ago I was given a new lease on life. God held me and said, "Not today, little one. You still have work to do." And I intend to do it.

Don't be so quick to judge.

Earlier tonight, someone blasted me because last year I was considering applying for food stamps, since I didn’t have enough money to support myself. She so kindly said the following:

Its people like u that are destroying the moral fabric of this country with ur lazyness and ur entittlement. u wanna get food stamps? u have an iphone, an ipad, and a mac laptop. u wear nice clothes and always have a new dress. i seen u wear gold, diemonds, and pearls all the time. ur nails are done, ur hair is cut all cute by someone at gary alan, n u want to buy a car!! how long u gonna make payments on that car? how many times u gonna be late on it and the taxpayers will have to bail u out? ur always talkin about gaming, that shits expensive too. u live with ur parents! u dont even have ur own place. how the hell u gonna pay ur bills? you need to get ur unemployed ass to school, and get a job. i work hard for the things i have, i dont want my taxpayers dollars going to someone like u who doesn’t work and expects me to pay for their food.

Let’s back up here. First of all, I feel the need to explain something. Yes, I was considering applying for food stamps last year. This was because I was unable to work due to a medical issue and I had no money saved up to live on. If you want to judge me for that, take a look at your bank account and tell me how long you can live off of what you have in savings. If it’s a year or more, while paying all your bills and putting food on the table, then kudos to you, you’re an example to us all.

Okay, let’s take this a line at a time.

Its people like u that are destroying the moral fabric of this country with ur lazyness and ur entittlement.

“Lazyness”? Man…if only I’d been able to spend the past year being lazy. Anyone who knows me well knows the medical, psychological, and emotional hell I’ve been through the past couple of years, and I’m about 90% sure none of them would describe me as “lazy”. Also…Entittlement? You mean, like a boob job? Are my boobs destroying the moral fabric of this country? If so, fantastic. I didn’t get a boob job, though, but I’m flattered you think I did. :)

u have an iphone, an ipad, and a mac laptop. u wear nice clothes and always have a new dress. i seen u wear gold, diamonds, and pearls all the time. ur nails are done, ur hair is cut all cute by someone at gary alan, n u want to buy a car!!

Yes, I will admit openly, people judge me when I say that I consider myself “broke” because all of these things are, in fact, true. I do have an iPhone, an iPad, and a Macbook Pro. I do wear nice-ish clothes and I tend to have new clothing. Yes, I wear jewelry, and my hair and nails are generally taken care of. Yes, the only stylist with which I trust my hair works at Gary Allen, a notoriously expensive salon. Yes, I want to buy a car. But why does any of this mean that I’m wasting money and expecting taxpayers across America to pay for me? I traded the iPhone I bought years ago (that I had stopped using so I could use a cheaper phone) for a new iPhone that works on my network. I bought my iPad on Craigslist for crazy cheap. (I justify the purchase since I use it to teach - every single day. Tax deduction, woo!) My Macbook Pro was a birthday present last year. My nice-ish clothes were all either gifted to me by friends or family, bought at goodwill, or methodically saved up for. My mother, who is kind and generous, buys me new clothes when my old ones start to look ratty. (And I pay it forward by donating.) My jewelry? Most of it is jewelry I’ve had for a very very long time, some were gifts, some are borrowed, and some - like the gold and pearls - are fake. (Who cares if they are? They fooled you, right?) I do my own nails. Yes, I splurge on my hair, so sue me. But I also have an arrangement with my hairdresser, where she gives me discounts in exchange for piano lessons for her daughter. And yes, I want to buy a car. And I’m going to, in the very near future.

how long u gonna make payments on that car? how many times u gonna be late on it and the taxpayers will have to bail u out?

Actually, I’m not going to make payments on that car at all. Because when I buy that car, I can pay for it outright, with cash. Let that take a moment to sink in. I’m buying a good, reliable, relatively new car with CASH. As in, I could conceivably walk into a dealership tomorrow with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist full of hard-earned dollar bills. Can you say that you can do that? also, wut?

ur always talkin about gaming, that shits expensive too. 

Video gaming is expensive, I suppose. I don’t know, I don’t own an console. The video games I play were either gifted to me through Steam, or games I previously owned. I will admit that I play WoW, which comes with a monthly subscription fee, but seeing as it costs less than going out to eat once a month, I think i can let that slide. Also - usually when I’m talking about “gaming”, i’m talking about tabletop RPGs. Like Dungeons and Dragons. In which case, it’s a bunch of nerds sitting around a table TALKING for hours. To put it into a dialect you might understand, “That don’t cost SHIT.”

u live with ur parents! u dont even have ur own place. how the hell u gonna pay ur bills? you need to get ur unemployed ass to school, and get a job.

Yep. I sure do live with my parents. But guess what. Because I chose to live with my parents instead of try to build a life of my own that I couldn’t afford, I have NO debt (other than student loans), I’ve been able to save up for that car, and I don’t have a credit card bill to pay. Why do you assume I’m an unemployed freeloader just because I had to consider applying for food stamps? When you’re physically unable to work, the bills keep coming regardless of whether you’re sick or not. You still need to eat. Yes, perhaps I was unemployed last year, but I’m employed now. That’s why I said I was considering it *Last Year*. Even now, my grandmother lives with us, and I’m sure the extra food money would *really* come in handy. Unlike you, who I know for a fact quit community college after a year, I went to college for six years. I have decades of job experience, training, and talent in the field in which I work, and because of that, I work two jobs where I generally get paid on average about $40/hour. Full time pay for part time work. I’ve EARNED that. No one handed it to me. I spent decades honing my craft, learning new skills, and gaining experience teaching.

i work hard for the things i have, i dont want my taxpayers dollars going to someone like u who doesn’t work and expects me to pay for their food.

I don’t expect anyone to pay for my food. I am grateful that my parents give me food when I’m hungry. I work very hard for my money as well, and I understand completely the feeling that you don’t want to pay for people on welfare who abuse the system. I get that. Personally, I feel like since I need to pass a drug test to earn the money for them, they should have to pass one to reap the benefits - among other beliefs and stances. However - for every person who is abusing that system, I guarantee you there are at least 3-5 who are there because they desperately need it. Not because they’re stupid, or lazy, or have a sense of “entittlement”. (I’m sorry, it’s just so funny I have to keep saying it.) But because Life happens. And we can’t predict it, nor necessarily adequately prepare for it. I’ve given hot food to homeless people who lost their jobs, homes, and families due to unforeseen and unpreventable circumstances, like illness or a company closing down. Once, I met an ex-surgeon who developed unexplained tremors that destroyed his medical career, and after a while he couldn’t afford the medical bills anymore. He lives under a bridge in DC now.

Don’t be so quick to judge people. I’m doing my best not to judge you by your grammar and spelling, but I guarantee you about 90% of the people who read this will not be so kind. Next time you see someone like me in the grocery store pull out an EBT card to pay for her groceries, perhaps your thought process ought to be more along the lines of “Wow, she must be really thrifty to be able to put herself together like that on such a low budget.” Or if you’re not feeling that generous, limit yourself to simply admiring her bag or shoes, and maybe asking her where she got them. I’ll proudly tell people that the Louis Vuitton purse I (occasionally) carry is a knockoff my aunt bought me for a Christmas present, or that my shoes are from Payless (BOGO!!), or that I found that really cute lace cocktail dress at Goodwill.

I’m not saying there aren’t people out there who abuse the system. I’ve seen single moms who spend their child support money on Coach bags and Jimmy Choos. (No joke. I have.) I’ve seen people on welfare purposely have more kids so they can get money. But my point is - those are exceptional cases. They’re not the norm. And everyone else I’ve seen getting welfare checks, unemployment checks, or using WIC or EBT really needs the help. So don’t lump all of us in with a few bad eggs - you wouldn’t want anyone doing that to you.

“if you could jump into any famous painting, what would it be? describe the experience.”

I chose Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh.

My breath paints the cold night air as I climb the hill overlooking the town below. It tastes crisp and fresh, like the chill before a heavy snow. Everyone is getting ready to turn in for the evening; one by one the houses go dark. A lone church bell chimes as I reach the summit, then – silence. All is still. A faint breeze stirs the leaves on the trees and ruffles the tall grass around me as I sprawl out on the damp ground. Lying there, staring up into the heavens, I imagine a faceless man doing the same thing somewhere else in the world. Who is he? Is he pondering my existence as well? Does he know how often he appears in my thoughts?

I hear nothing but the breeze and the chirping of crickets. I take a deep breath. There is nothing else in the world right now but this. The sky above winks at me, encouraging me to swim amongst its stars. I slow my breathing until I’m nearly holding my breath, as if the slightest sound could shatter the delicate balance of the moment.

I lie there until the cold seeps through my clothes and begins to chill me from the inside out. Having had my fill, I slowly stand, brushing damp grass from my body. I turn my back on the people below and begin to walk. I will probably never return; it’s not in my nature. They offered what they could and I accepted with grace and humility, but now it’s time to move on. The stars keep me company as I wander out into the world alone, considering the many possibilities that now can be explored.

I am Catholic - and I support gay marriage.

Well, I’ve gotten several private messages, so I feel the need to make this clear: I am Catholic. My faith is a very big part of my life and very important to me. I am also a supporter of gay marriage. ”How is this possible?” several friends have asked me today. As a Catholic, I am well aware of the Church’s stance on homosexuality and gay marriage. To be honest, it has always been the biggest part of Catholicism that I have not felt comfortable with. I do understand what the Church says about it, and why she is against it. My own personal feelings aside, however, I believe that just because I am Catholic does not mean that I have the right to (or should at all) openly and vehemently deny others the same legal rights I have for myself.

I know that gay marriage goes against one of the fundamental principles of Catholicism. But I also know that not everyone is Catholic. And I believe that just because the Church doesn’t believe in it doesn’t mean that we as Catholics have a right to force our beliefs on others (especially those who don’t share our faith) and deny them legal rights that we ourselves enjoy.  (I want to take a moment to point out my use of the phrase “the Church doesn’t believe in gay marriage” - the reader ought to keep in mind that Church doctrine regards marriage as a sacrament, which has nothing to do with marriage as a legal contract.) To be perfectly blunt, I don’t feel it’s very Christian to say “Everyone deserves to be happy and loved, and to enjoy the same legal rights as a married couple - except those who don’t share my beliefs.” Does this make me a bad Catholic? I don’t know. Even if it does, it is one stance I will not waver on. Just because my faith doesn’t believe in gay marriage doesn’t mean that I believe it is a right that should be legally denied to those who want it. I am Catholic, yes, and I do not believe that my personal religious beliefs have any place in politics or law-making procedures. If others want to go against my religious beliefs, they can. This is America. They have a legal right to choose their own faith. I cannot stop them, nor do I feel I have a right to. Just as they don’t have a right to tell me to stop being Catholic because it goes against their moral code and/or beliefs, I don’t feel that I have a right to tell them they can’t marry the man or woman they love because of my relationship with God. 

I have had several people message me today and berate me for being unfaithful to the Catholic doctrine. And I suppose they are correct. In this manner, I am not adhering to the Catholic doctrine. But I also know that I am no longer the minority. A recent poll by the Public Religion Research Institute found that 59% of American Catholics support rights allowing gay and lesbian couples to marry. Another poll conducted by Quinnipiac University put the numbers at 54%. Am I saying that makes it “okay” within our faith to blatantly ignore the Church’s teachings? No. I’m not saying that. But I am pointing out that perhaps we as Catholics are beginning to recognize that our moral and religious beliefs may not have a place in government legislation. 

Some of you may be appalled that I have written what I have tonight. Some of you may be angry with me, and may view me differently from here on out. Some of you may call me a hypocrite, or a “lesser Catholic” or perhaps not even a Catholic at all. One rather strongly worded message I received today after I changed my profile picture to that of one representing marriage equality, accused me of being “fake” and told me I have no right attending church or representing a young Catholics’ group if my personal beliefs strayed so far from Catholic doctrine. I respect your opinions. I truly do. I mean that with no sarcasm. 

And I politely disagree. 

I am not perfect. I am not a perfect Catholic. I am not a perfect person. There have been times when I don’t believe I have even been a particularly *good* person. I don’t know anyone who can honestly say that they wholeheartedly believe they have been a good person, through and through, their entire life. And that’s okay. Because the Church teaches of forgiveness, and redemption. She teaches us of joy and rejoicing. She teaches us of love, and of charity. Et ex corde diligamus nos sincero. ”And may we love each other with a sincere heart.” How can we proclaim loudly the sin of others, ever? So someone you know lives in sin, according to your faith. What control do you have over it? In short, the way I see it is, who am I to tell others how to live?Personally, I would rather commit a sin out of love and support for my fellows than out of malice and hurtful words towards them.

I close with a hymn, particularly appropriate now that Holy Thursday is approaching. It speaks of love, of charity, of stopping evil impulses and allowing controversy to cease, and of allowing Christ our God to be in our midst. It speaks to me especially tonight, after such a hate-filled day full of hurtful words and intolerance for others.

I sincerely hope that you recognize this essay for what it is - simply my opinion. It may be wrong, it may be right, but it is mine nonetheless. As always, I wish nothing but happiness for all those I care about, including you. 

Excerpts from a conversation with a 16-year-old.

Me: see, i didn’t have to worry about my teachers on facebook. facebook wasn’t around when i was in high school.
Her: …what?! what did you guys do online?
Me: well…at first we didn’t have internet at all. It wasn’t until around 8th grade or so that internet was a thing. and then when i got to high school, well, back then there was a lot of myspace and livejournal.
Her: what’s livejournal? is that like tumblr?
Me: …yeah, sort of.
Her: …that sounds really boring.
Me: shut up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her: I’m so lost without my cell phone! Like, what if I need to CALL someone?! I can’t! I’m cut off from civilization!
Me: Quit your bitching. When I was your age, I didn’t have a cell phone. I didn’t get one until I was 17 and driving to Governor’s School every day.
Her: Well that’s just because your parents didn’t buy you one, right?
Me: You have to remember, when I was younger, we didn’t have cell phones. Seriously. They did not exist. My mom got one of the first ones readily available to the public, and that wasn’t until i was in 8th grade.
Her: …what if you needed to call someone? could you use someone else’s cell phone?
Me: not many of us had them, really.
Her: I don’t understand. what did you do?
Me: we used pay phones. or you had to ask someone if you could use their land line.
Her: what if there wasn’t one?
Me: then you were up shit creek.
Her: OMG you grew up when it was SOOOO DANGEROUS!
Me: *facepalm*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her: …did you have an ipod growing up?
Me: no, they didn’t exist either. Good god, are you trying to make me feel old tonight?!
Her: well what if you wanted to make a playlist?
Me: we made mixtapes. that involved sitting by the radio for hours on end, finger ready over the pause button so you could unpause it and record the song you wanted, and then half the time they cut off the end anyway and you’d get all angry.
Her: that sounds like it fucking sucked.
Me: …well at least the expletives have stayed the same.

My dog is an asshole

Me: No, Buckey. You can’t have that chicken. It’s not for you. Not even a little bit.
Buckey: *stare*
Me: NO. Not for puppy.
Buckey: *starts crying and whining*
Me: NO.
Bobby: Don’t give in!
Buckey: *looks at me for a moment, then sits down and offers me her paw.*
Me: awwwww
Buckey: *ears perk up, rather hopefully*
Me: Wait - hey! NO!
Bobby: DON’T DO IT!
Bobby: LMAO
Buckey: *comes close, licks my foot, and nuzzles up under my leg*
Me: NO NO NO NO
Buckey: *puppy eyes and whining*
Me: UGH. *drops a piece of chicken*
Bobby: NOOOOOoooooo!
Buckey: *sniffs it, then walks away*
Me: ….
Me: SHE DIDN’T EVEN WANT THE MOTHERFUCKING CHICKEN
Me: SHE JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF SHE COULD
Me: …what a little shit.