screw you, Dan Brown.

Personally, even as a catholic, I loved his first two books. Unlike some crazypeoples, I have this uncanny ability to be able to separate truth and fiction, and enjoyed those books as wonderful pieces of fiction that drew me in and got me all riled up and gave me a satisfying ending.

Until the newest book. This one….”The Lost Symbol”…is a piece of crap. I do not suggest reading any further if you are planning on reading this book.



It is nearly 3 AM. Tonight I finally picked up The Lost Symbol, after leaving it sitting on my nightstand for over a month, only a couple of chapters in. I got sucked in. I enjoyed it. It seemed good. Dan Brown has always had a knack for sucking me into a book and depriving me of sleep because I MUST finish it, because it’s just that action packed and just that good.

THEN. He fucked it up. Fuck fuck fucking fucked. Ooh, Langdon’s dead! Oh wait he’s not. Damn perfluorocarbons, they get me every time. I remember that stuff from that bad 90’s movie, “The Abyss.” …Ooh, wait, the crazy guy is going to kill Peter! Oh, wait, no he’s…not? He’s gonna send an email instead. Oh, and BEETEEDOUBLEYOU he’s Peter’s son. yeah….yeah! I’ll tell you this whole new family storyline that i just made up on the spot because that’d be a really cool twist to have in this book, even though i’ve referenced his family in the past two books and this storyline won’t make sense but whatever. Reading…reading…Oh, but Peter’s gonna kill him! Nope, nope, just kidding. Something something, black robes, something, Katherine is studying MagicScience, oh, hey, he didn’t get that email out? Yeah, my wireless email connection gets fucked up a lot too, especially when i’m sending out a HUGE VIDEO FILE to a LONG LIST of media networks. because, you know, AOL just doesn’t have that sort of bandwidth. or something. Convenient how that helo had a badass mounted EMP gun on it that could take out that conveniently nearby data tower. Wait, at least we get to find out what this Lost Word (forget Symbol, it’s a word now) supposedly is, and something about a staircase? Keep reading, keep reading…nope, this whole book was a load of warm fuzzy bullshit that basically all goes back to “the force is within you.” oh, and the symbol that’s actually a word isn’t really a word after all, and we don’t even get to see it at the end, we just “know it’s there.” in that hiding spot.

ALL OF THAT BULLSHIT AND ALL YOU GET AT THEN END IS “You know…I love that pyramid thing. The thing itself is totally worthless, even though tons of people have died to protect it, and i’ve built it up and built it up for three books as the HIGHEST order of secrecy and BIGGEST DEAL EVER, but I’ll abandon that storyline and go with ‘I love that pyramid thing because it INSPIRES INTEREST in knowledge and stuff.’”

Fuck you, Dan Brown, I’ll inspire you some goddamn interest.

Look at me, I traveled to Dan Brown Land and all I got was this lousy tshirt that says “this is a lousy tshirt, but I wasted your time and energy making you read this to confirm that this is, in fact, a lousy tshirt, which is something you suspected quite strongly all along.”

I should’ve listened to my friend Nick, he read it and told me not to waste my time, but my curiosity got the better of me.

I’m going to bed now. *grumble*